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My Life as a Whirling Dervish

Stream of consciousness here... (do I have any?)

* Started seeing people about 10:05 and the flow didn't stop until 4:45pm when I did a vaginal exam on a kinda not client, but acquaintance of a friend who doesn't believe the docs, but won't hire a midwife. She is trying for a VBAC and they want to induce next Thursday and she wanted me to help kick start her. I didn't because her cervix was high and that baby higher. She said it was the most gentle exam she ever had. whew Nice to know I still know what a cervix feels like after all this time. (Not that it is crucial or anything. laughing!!!)

* I still haven't cancelled my nasty 6 hour Full-Body CT scan for the morning. I haven't had a second to do it. They are gonna croak loudly when I don't show.

* One of my VBAC doula clients is moving to a big ol' house and after a LOT of introspection has decided to go ahead with an HBAC with me. I am ecstatic!! She is due in Nov. I am thrilled. She's a nurse and so is her family... that will be fun, too. smile

* The client mentioned above reads my blog, too. waving I have wondered if my sharing my blog with clients and such is a good idea since I am really pretty darned honest here. I don't want to hold back and don't want their eyes to cause me to censor myself, but I also know that most people rarely hear/see this nasty part of another human that is their caregiver or even friend. These thoughts and feelings are usually reserved for the loving ties of marriage or blood relatives. laughing maniacally

* I have more ulcers on my tongue and nose again and my hair is just falling out in clumps. I am so disturbed, but don't have time to consider it except in the shower where my hair sheds into my hands and my tears fall down into the part of the drain my hair doesn't clog. My leg hair has stopped growing in most parts. I eagerly anticipate my pit hair's demise.

* I am so tired and so so so tired. I am scared that all this work and stress is going to just make me relapse and I cannot have that; don't have time! (And you clients reading this, you are my joy and my light! You are the zero stress in this world for me... it is working so much and so hard with nary a moment's preparation for this in my existance. Who the HELL decided to buy this business?!?) When I am asked when I am opening a birth center it is all I can do to not throw up and become hysterical laughing all at the same time.

* I am eating so many carbs, I am so glad I am on Diflucan so I don't scratch my woo woo to shreds. Ulcers, yeasties... ulcers, yeasties... actually dunno which is worse.

tears falling

Gonna go watch Jeopardy. Is Ken still winning?

Reader Comments (2)

Sounds like you're really going through a rough time. :-( I know it must feel terrible and bleak, and that being in the eye of the storm as you are, it's hard to have any perspective, but many of us who read your blog and keep up to date on your life, and how much you accomplish, and what you do with your time and energy, are just amazed! Try to keep your chin up as much as you can, partera. You are loved by many, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. *hug*

October 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSNM

GAH!! Lol! I just now noticed the DATE on this post. Somehow I must have clicked on the archived posts by accident, but I wasn't paying attention to the dates, just to the posts themselves...anyway, everything I wrote was true, even though I'm sure you've gotten through a lot of the stuff that was bothering you in this post.

It's been great doing a lot of this back reading, though. I've been esecially enthralled by all of the posts you wrote on UC and birthrape. It definitely deserves a book, and you are the perfect person to write it! (in all your copious free time, lol)

October 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSNM

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