I have read so much on one of my lists... so much pain. This writing shares thoughts about the accumulation of thoughts from the past few days... and adds more thoughts to what I wrote earlier tonight.
And, then I also need to add that a violated friend wrote me the most kind words about why she would want me as her midwife with her as she birthed (even after she read the post I wrote below this one)... because I knew... I know the Truth. That meant more to me than anything.
What I wrote:
I could die I am so saddened by what I read. My heart aches for the vile and despicable acts you women... too many women... have experienced. Forgive as I speak to post after post and don't attribute the original poster... I just need to talk.
There is no violation worse than another's. Absolutely. In incest survivor groups, it was always a case of Hers Is Worse Than Mine because all of us minimized. Even the women who were ritually mutilated thought the others had it better.
A bizarre aside: I left Christianity after a life of United Methodist and Born-Again Christianity for 2 reasons. 1. Because a youth counselor told me that men were allowed to masturbate, but women were not because men had needs... women were closer to God and could control those urges. and 2. Because, in Incest Survivor's Anonymous, we read the Lord's Prayer and I was NEVER going to speak to "Our Father Who Art in Heaven" who raped me ever again. Such a weirdo where my mind bends.
I'm sorta Jewish now.
Anyway, I had to go vomit twice at work today. There were no words to write as my office manager left work early to tend to her sick husband and today was friggin' busy. Vomiting was better at the moment. Writing is now, but I am still nauseated.
I keep seeing the pictures shared. The violations. The rapes. Yes, the absolute and concrete rapes that were committed on our precious women (YOU precious women). I am so repulsed by the stories. I am incredibly saddened by the realization of others as they use new words for their disgusting birth stories.
My own hospital birth pales in comparison (ooo, minimizing?) even though the unnecessary episiotomy I had (mediolateral) went deep into my thigh muscle and I could not sit flat on my bottom for well over 6 weeks and had green pus oozing out of me. Even as I couldn't shit for 5 days postpartum and when I did with an enema and near hysterical screaming, I tore my colon inside that would tear with each birthing head I passed through my vagina and require surgery years later.
And I sit here thinking about my role in birth as a care giver... and it sucks. I can't even begin to describe my own inner horrors of what I have done to women. I have written about them. I have my Self and my own inner journey to process all that I find I am as this discussion unfolds. (I am sorry I sound so angry. I am VERY angry at my Self and my history as a midwife, doula, student.)
I carefully weigh what I share. Knowing that many will write and demand my unsubbing... that unsubs might come of my own disclosure... because I am a Discloser... airing my own dirty laundry.
I know that my impulse to unsub came from my own feelings of Being the Enemy most here despise (even if I couldn't verbalize it at first). I am still compelled to unsub, but will work through the urge as I have been asked to by one of the violated who has read my
story already. I will do my best to find a place of peace.
Somehow, I need a way to thank and apologize to the women I hurt along my path. I am pondering what exactly to do.
*crawling along, not feeling so evolved tonight*