Happiness & Resistance

The midwife I work with most... she and I had a real live HBAC yesterday! We needed it as much as the woman herself needed it. It was a delicious water birth and the family was so happy, mom kept saying how surreal it was. I loved it. I was only there 2 hours before the birth, too. Yay, hurrah!

I need my blood drawn... titers and Coumadin levels. Still haven't done that yet.

I have several business things I keep letting slide past me. I don't know why I think that ignoring them is going to make them easier to tend to when I eventually do get to them.

I am an ass. All the complaining I do/have done about the midwives in my area, apparently it is only my perception that I am being ignored or considered persona non grata. I honestly don't think I am making it up and have my own "evidence," but trying to explain that, well, I sound stupid and paranoid. Maybe I am. I think that that is the bulk of my personal disturbance. That I have so many people angry with me and I have to keep functioning. I want to hide deep inside. I am embarrassed and want to make it all go away.

Why don't people pray for the Pope to die peacefully? They keep praying for him to heal. He's 84 years old, for goodness sake.

I could just live with having diarrhea 4 times a day instead of 8.

I wish I wasn't so angry all the time.

I hate that I take it out on my partner most of all. She is so kind and loving. Always.

I'm almost 44 years old. When did that happen?

Kids are good. I miss them so, so much.

I miss too much too often.

I want to see light again.