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swimming along

I was thinking today:

* Someone is finding out they are pregnant right now.
* Someone is finding out their partner is having an affair right now.
* Someone is losing their virginity right now.
* Someone is dying right this moment.
* Someone is living in their new house tonight.
* Someone had a parent die today.
* Someone found out they have cancer today.
* Someone came out as gay or lesbian today.
* Someone quit watching tv today.
* Someone became a vegetarian today.
* Someone had gastric bypass today.
* Someone cried because they gained back all the weight they'd lost.
* Someone got a job today.
* Someone lost their job today.

I got into the pool by our house today and it was really nice. Different than the clientele by the office. Fatter. I swam 20 laps, several crawl, several breast and some side. I tried to do back stroke... and am really good at it... but it hurt so bad I had to turn over and crawl instead.

As I swam laps, I thought about how easily I slipped into my swimming self. I count the lap I am on as I stroke... stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke-breathe... stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke-breathe... and then when I touch the wall, I begin counting a new lap. So it sounds like this in my head: two, two, two, two-breathe (the last number and breathing happen at the same time)... two, two, two, two-breathe... tap the wall... three, three, three, three-breathe... etc.

When I am ready to rest, I lower myself and tilt my head back and raise up out of the water, letting the water pull my hair back out of my face. Only, I have no hair to water back! Total and complete habit. I found that very interesting that I would have that memory. Sarah called it "body memory." Habit. Old, 38 year old habits. I've been swimming since I as 6 years old.

Why did I stop after the gastric bypass? I find it bizarre now. I swam at 350 pounds for years! No qualms about it at all. (Would have preferred to be a size 6, but I didn't let it stop me from getting in the water and swimming.) Then, as I lost the 190 pounds that first year, I had so many serious body issues... sagging skin... I felt repulsed by my own body and couldn't dare get into a suit or go in public in one. Perhaps because I am fatter right now I feel more comfortable now. I wonder if that is it. Hmmm.

My partner and I talked about how we love love love the smell of chlorine on our skin and our towels. Neither of us has negative memories in the pool. Both of us love pools as opposed to the ocean, although the ocean is beautiful to look at. So are pools. Clear and cool and clean and contained. Even after my shower, I smelled like chlorine! smile

My client hasn't delivered yet.

I'm having severe anxiety over if the baby is breech or not. Should I send her for an ultrasound? Will that knowledge change anything I/we do at the birth? Do I not trust my hands that much? Can't I borrow someone's ultrasound machine? I want to be calm. I want to trust. I want to know that I can do this... that SHE can do this... even if I don't know if the baby is breech or not.

I feel the head (whatever is in the pelvis) and it feels like a head. But, when I feel the roundness at the fundus, it wobbles... like a head. I move it and think I feel a thigh kicking me, but what if it is a hand punching me to let go of his ears? Whatever is in the pelvis is deep in there. Even if it was the breech, would I do anything about it? Ask mom to do anything about it? Hasn't she had enough trauma, stress, worry this pregnancy? Can't we have an ultra-calm birth?

What if there is lots of mec? Will I do a vaginal exam? (It makes me cry as I touch the worry inside. It's probably best to write it out, yes?) Will I do a vaginal exam at all? If I find a breech, I will call the midwife who is experienced in breeches... not the one I asked who said she couldn't come, but another one who said she wouldn't do breeches or twins but now says she will.

I pray this birth goes straightforward. He's a big baby. Mom says 9 pounds. Her last was 8 pounds 8 ounces... major conehead after 3 hours of pushing. Why am I scared? First licensed birth?

I go tomorrow for my annual math test. Except I don't do the math test part. I'll explain tomorrow.

I stayed out of the office today and worked from home, doing a lot of paperwork that needed to be done. I finished!

I signed up for my Neonatal Resuscitation Class in July today.

Off to sleep. I have to leave the house at 7am for the Annual Math Test. Back in the afternoon.

Unless the baby comes.

Oh, please goddess... please be vertex.

Reader Comments (2)

Barb, I'm also doing an NNR training in July- you wouldn't happen to be coming to Karen Strange's up in WA are you? I would just go crazy to meet you! I shouldn't get my hopes up, eh? :)

The baby will be in just the right position for just the right birth- and you will touch this mother when she needs your touch, and not because you are scared. This mama will move her body in just the right way to bring her baby out, and your intuition will overcome your fear in the moment.

This is terrain you already know - in your body, you know this. Your spirit knows it- don't let your mind talk yourself out of it!

June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDynamic Doula

Thank you so much for your belief in the process. It really did help a LOT to be able to put it down on "paper" and I also briefly spoke with the midwife I work with about it all. I also read an article in Midwifery Today about reacting - over and under-reacting and I definitely picked out my tendancy to over-react. I believe that knowing this about myself will help a lot.

I wish I could go be in WA with you in July! But, I have more babies coming. Gotta keep writing stories, right?

Thanks so much. You helped a lot.

June 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNavelgazing Midwife

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