Sometimes I think plants are calling. No, not the green kind that require soil and water, but someone who wants to bait me or my office to see just what I might say in an odd situation.
- (written out of time-context) I once received a phone call about a woman who had a missed miscarriage (her words) and was given lots of information including the date she had her D&C scheduled for. She was looking for natural alternatives to a D&C and wanted to know what she could take to continue the miscarriage.
When I called, the woman sounded concerned, gave appropriate answers to my questions, but was pressing when I let her know that many women look on the Internet for that information... that if she were our client, I'd better be able to steer her towards the right direction, but that she is a stranger and I just can't do that. I told her I was glad to send her to our acupuncturist and together, along with physician approval, could decide whether to move forward or not or for her to wait for the D&C, which, by the way, was a day off from the date originally given in my phone msg. Confirmation from the message taker stated she was very clear and adament about the date of the D&C... I didn't question her when she repeated the new date several times to me.
When I was getting off the phone with her, that I'd call the next day with the number, she asked one more red flag question. She said she had been looking all over the Internet, but she guessed she didn't have the right words, can't I please help? I asked what was she searching for and she said "missed miscarriage" (an odd term anyway) and I offered one word: natural - and left it at that. I said my good-byes and then felt the hair on my neck raise in awareness that she wasn't who she said she was.
The most odd part of it is I thought I knew the phone number from another woman with the same "complaint" (medicalese for what she called about); checking the msg logs, it didn't seem so, but there were just so many strange things about it.
A reminder to cover thy ass when speaking to strangers!
- (in time-context) I am not kidding when I tell you this story. Not kidding really, really, really.
Today in PHILOSOPHY class (I have to scream it lest you think I am talking about a Human Sexuality class), we watched movies of making love. This is day 2 of sex, by the way. Close ups of nipples becoming erect, engorgement of pouty face lips, infrared scans of genitals as they become filled with blood, and more. The gist of the movies is to demonstrate that what we think we see (make-up, flirting, the clothes we wear, how we touch our hair, etc.) really isn't all that's there (the biological reasons we implant boobs, wear skimpier clothes some days out of the month and why we stroke our partner's hair).
The preface to the second day of movies came with a graphic description of intercourse from the professor. Now, it's important to note the teacher is an atheist and loves Nietzche like no other. It's also important to note that the first day of class he spent a great deal of time discussing Truth versus Sincerity (I may have already written about that). He spoke of those that speak with Sincerity with abject disdain and wrinkled his face whenever he said the word. And he and the class knows I am a midwife. That's important, too.
Okay, so today in the long drawn out sex preface, he begins talking about how the cervix dips down into the pool of semen during a woman's orgasm and how in seeing it (and it was a rather cool image of a cervix leaning in and touching the semen), they learned that...
please pay full attention now
... that if a woman orgasms one hour before she has sex, she cannot get pregnant because the cervix will be tired already.
I am not lying and have 35 other witnesses.
After picking my jaw up off the floor, I said, "You're just gonna have to show me some proof of that one. I've never ever heard of that." and he wandered on speaking as if he had said the sky was azure sometimes and aquamarine others. As sincere as a heart attack.
He yammers on and the women in the class are turning around and looking at me and when he finishes his strange dance (which he will SURELY explain away as "baiting" us to see if we would confront him or not), he rummages around in his bag to find the sex video to put in. As he's looking, I say, "Please, girls... please don't use orgasm as a method of birth control." The women laughed and said, "Never!" "I can't believe he said that!' and more.
So, now I'm on the hunt (as if I don't have enough to do for the class already) for research that shows that is NOT true and came across one so far.
I wish I'd had the presence of mind to say, "Ya know, I never had orgasm #1 with my former spouse, yet have THREE children to show for it. How do you explain that one?"
I guess I'll have to save that answer for another dorky "sincere" professor.