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I have such a hard time dealing with people in my life who profess one thing and do another.

Speaking with a forked tongue, the Native Americans have been known to call it.

I try to live in integrity as much as I can even if that integrity is odd and somewhat confusing to those around me; I am always willing to explain.

For example: I own an holistic healthcare center, but had to (chose to) take allopathic medications for a damn long time to stay alive. I was bald for a few years and that was an outward indication that I wasn't living on homeopathy and herbs to treat my illness. I was asked all the time why I didn't just leave the medications behind and "believe" that natural healing substances would sustain me. My answer was that I chose to believe in the best of both worlds. That I believed that man/woman was wise enough to utilize ALL there was around him/her to get better and I felt it was stupidity on my part to turn my back on something as obvious as allopathy when it had the track record it did when the worst I got out of it was a bald head and some mucous membrane ulcers. (There were other side effects, but who needed to hear the litany of those?)

When the movie What the Bleep Do You Know came out, the push to throw my meds away amplified, but my resolve stiffened, too. Marlee Matlin's character might be able to throw her one pill an anxiety attack away, but she wasn't dying of a disease that kills 60% of the people who get it. I wasn't about to take any chances! It was always so easy to tell who had had serious illnesses and who had not. Those who had not were flippant and cavalier about "just throwing them away" whereas those that had walked hand and hand with death knew how to cling to the medications so tightly they could read the pharmaceutical company's logo on it as if it were Braille.

This doesn't mean that there can't be balance. Not at all. It doesn't mean I didn't do homeopathy AND Diflucan. Or herbs AND Acyclovir. It doesn't mean I didn't do pressure points while I was wretching my guts out while taking the Itraconazole. Aromatherapy was very important to me at many points along the way. (PLEASE do not bring lavendar near me.) Visualization was crucial every day and I know was key to the complete healing of my body and spirit. I couldn't have healed every cell without "seeing" myself healed. But I also used the meds to eat up the sick cells and it was a delightful game of PacMan (goddess love that game for sick folks to use as visualization!) inside my head that played for three years every day for hours and hours and hours on end - awake and asleep.

I don't see the oddity, you see. But apparently, enough people do that I am considered not holistic enough or not worthy of being considered midwife-y enough. And you know what? I don't care.

I watch from my well place and I know that people make their own choices in their own lives that I might not make and that's okay. I also watch from over here and smile knowing that some people who say that are all holistic and pure take antidepressants and heart medications and cold remedies and a plethora of other not-so-pure pharmaceuticals. We certainly have to watch what stones we are throwing.

I'm trying hard to keep my stones in my own yard. Again, I try hard to speak in integrity and not lie about what I take and do in my life. Yeah, I am a midwife who wears make-up tested on animals and wears leather Birkenstocks. I don't eat beef or pork, but do eat chicken. I consider myself Jewish, but am still not officially converted. I live with a woman, but consider myself 5% bisexual. I photograph a lot, but still need a lot of education and help. I am healed, but now need a whole new mindset to "see," so will begin a brand new visualization - one of wholeness and completeness and activity and so much joy my heart fills and overflows with it every single day.

Every person in the world feels my joy.

I spill it now.

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Reader Comments (7)

y'know as someone else who isn't "enough" I understand....

I don't do green "enough", natural family "enough", AP "enough", didn't try hard "enough" to breastfeed......I could go on forever....

I try to buy organic/local when I can, avoid be wasteful, be conservative about antibiotics, use some holistic/alternative treatments, breastfed as much as I could, and consider myself to be an AP parent....

And for me...it it enough, and to hell with those who feel diffrently.

For me...your willingness to consider and be respectful of "mainstream" medicine was exactly why I chose you over the midwife who lives just blocks from me. I needed to know you WOULD transfer if things got hairy....and that you wouldn't try to divert me to some questionable treatment options...to the exclusion of more manstream treatments..

Bottom line - your ecclecticness was precisely why I wanted you as my midwife/montrice...and I sincerely doubt I'm the only client you've had that feels that way...

There is wisdom in both "holistic" and "mainstream" healthcare...the hard part is knowing which to choose....and when.

so, i will continue to wish you much heath, sucess, and peace in the new year....

December 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterOpening Pandora

I must admit I don't understand the mindset of suffering with ongoing ailments using alternative medicine when western medicine could very likely knock it straight on the head, especially when many side effects are easier on the body than the ailment itself. I'm thinking of things like thrush, hayfever, etc ... It seems illogical to suffer the symptoms instead of drug side effects if you've given alts a go, or they aren't in the realm of the help needed. Isn't the point of all medicine to restore health?

I find it obvious that you'd chose what helps you recover your health as fast as possible ... and at times that is the least natural solution ... and you can be unnaturally healthy, what a blessing LOL

December 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

It makes me wonder when you were all too happy to throw (public) stones a little while back in your "open letter to my client" post...

But, I do agree that each person comes to life's experience with their own unique background and each deserves respect and honor for their choices - as their past influences how they respond to the present.

December 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

"but consider myself 5% bisexual"

you know this is funny....ha ha ha
now how did you arrive at 5%?

I am hetro and there are times that visions of women dance through my head- and the majority of my relationships are with women what percent does that make me I wonder?
I go for what ever works- you needed the meds- why not use um and I know I have sent you some herbal suggestions in the past (not lavender though) but I would never expect you or anyone to cleave only to plants.
We had a client who balked at taking digestive enzymes because they had some coloring in them- then we had a potluck get together and she brought a monster bag of doritos!!! and she had extras to take home--- now this irked me because she spent quite a bit of time complaining about how "unnatural" the enzymes were.

anon S

December 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

We are now in our 4th year of infertility. Diagnosed with PCOS at 16 yras old.
Ive learned that what may work for others may not work for me. Especially after almost loosing an ovary after a few rounds of Clomid. I was convinced that after hearing how Clomid seemed to solve years and years of infertility for others it would do the trick for me.lol Well, now i know it doesnt work well for us.
For the first 2.5 years of this we used homeopathy, herbs, acupuncture, ect. It helped, it really did, but i didnt get that baby we long for.
Then we went totally to western medicine for a year, and after almost loosing an ovary and being in and out of the ER for various things, we decided that maybe a balance of both would best suite us and our situation.
So, now we are learning balance. Balance in medicine and homeopathy, balance in the body, balance in our lives. And its working for us.
Its hard but you have to do what works best for you and your situation. I would LOVE to see what the other people who have critisized me would do when thier fertility is diminished and they struggle on a daily basis to reach somthig that can sometimes feel like an unreachable goal.
Keep your chin up! You did what you had to do to get through the illness. You survived!

December 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKalley

This last few posts are so beautifully written.

I've written about this before, too. My Mom used to say that God gave us science/medicine and it was a tool for our wellbeing. I like the combination approach. Not all (allopathic) medical treatments work for everyone; not all alterative (meducal) treatments work for everyone.

It's just like birth; we all must do what works for us.


Anon 1: It makes me scratch my head that you think I threw stones to my client when she gave me permission to write what I did and *commented* and *thanked* me for that post. What is your complaint?

S - I don't know how I came up with 5% bisexual... that I have sex with men 5% of my sexual life? (not that I've ever statistically worked it out - because men would FAR win out percentage-wise) - I don't even think of men in fantasies! Maybe that needs revision? *laughing* Maybe the New Year will find me just calling myself lesbian always forever now... never bisexual ever again. Who knows.

I always love inconsistancies with clients. Just like you - clients that won't dare take an Ibuprofin for after-cramps eating McDonald's three times a day the entire pregnancy. Where's the logic?

Kalley - I'm so sorry for all your difficulties. I'm assuming you have already tried Metformin. It helped me with my PCOS and I know has helped a lot of others with theirs. Good-luck...I'm sorry it's so hard.

Hannah... Thank you!!!

December 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNavelgazing Midwife

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