What do you all do when you get premonitions about a birth yet to come? I have had them before and most of the time they come true (not always).
Is this a case of To Think Is To Create? Is this why UCers say midwives shouldn't be at births? Because of fears that come along with her? Do moms and dads and family members have these types of premonitions, too? Do they listen to them? Is that considered fear-mongering, too?
I had that premonition with the hospital birth (from March) and it played out nearly exactly as it came to me half a day before. I didn't expect it at all since FHTs were so wonderful even a minute before the birth. The baby needed some serious help, but recovered nicely after a few minutes of assistance.
This time, I have had a premonition of a water birth with the FHTs going down, down and the baby coming out needing much more help than I've ever had to give before (even chest compressions). I have played it out - what would I do - and I get more and more scared the more I "see" this happening.
Do I call EMS as I hear heart tones going down? (Not something I would typically do.) Do I risk her out for a premonition? Do I release the fears/thoughts and enter the home filled with belief and trust, yet remain my normal alert self?
I've told my assistant of the premonition and she doesn't seem concerned. I felt better after sharing it, but it has come back full force this evening. In that half place between sleep and awake, I could see the entire scenario again - unfolding in front of my eyes as I calmly worked on a baby who wouldn't revive.
I get so worried about these thoughts. I worry so much that I am creating the drama that might be in front of me. I really do not operate in fear - so what do I do with this?
If I were a pie chart (another post long ago), fear would be about 2% of me in birth. Alertness would fill the rest.
In another pie, 80% is belief and trust. 20% knows the randomness of some births and remains at the ready for them.
In this birth's pie chart, I feel 40% fear and concern/worry. Maybe less now that I am speaking the fear here. (But, not much.)
Do I belong at this birth? Or am I going to make a mess of it all because of my worries.
Does my heightened attention benefit the mom and baby in case they need help?
How do other midwives/care providers deal with this? Am I the only one who suffers from these disconcerting thoughts and visions?
Do I believe in fate? Or does everything happen randomly and in the moment?
I certainly can't be all that powerful as to create chaos, can I? (Writing it out, it seems an absurd thought!)
Am I just dealing with fears and worries in dreams so I can let them go at the client's door?
This is what I hope.