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She Took Me Out to a Ball Game

And no babies came.

It was nice to only think about stupid doctors and horrid nurses every 10 seconds instead of every 2.

I went to see my fantabulous psychiatrist today. Of course, she thinks I am great, but she did have to tell me something that was very painful for me to digest.

She said:

"You are not God."

I sobbed into Kleenex. About 184 of them.

"But, I shoulda been there to stop him! I shoulda been there to tell them to... I coulda made them..."

"You are not God."

"But, they were yelling at me and I didn't yell back and the police were there and it was just awful and I couldn't stop the whole thing from happening. Her whole birth experience is ruined! I am in school to HELP women who have ruined birth experiences and here I was sitting and WATCHING one get ruined! What kind of woman am I that I can't even HELP sitting in the same ROOM with a woman!?"

"You are not God."

She said, "If you were the Goddess of the Universe, who would you pick to be in that hospital room at that moment with that woman to witness what you witnessed? Who would you pick that would have enough skill and knowledge with a pen and experience with the press and comfort with the media? Who would you pick that could coach this very young family through a harrowing experience without having had to experience a cesarean on top of everything else?"

"But, I'm not God."

"Ahhhhh, but you ARE Barbara and you ARE a wonderful midwife and you ARE a magnificent counselor and you WILL help this family heal and you DO know how to help yourself heal and you WILL be the catalyst for the others who come after this family to not have to endure what they had to in that hospital. You might not be God, but you ARE a midwife. And you have a job to do. Now do it."

I will continue to cry, I am sure. I am not healed. I won't be for a long time, but I at least understand I am destined to keep moving forward. Goddess love my psychiatrist. She is my angel.

Reader Comments (6)

Oh, Barbara. I'm so sorry that whatever happened (I can imagine details), happened. It sounds aweful.

I am very happy that you have a psychiatrist who knows her stuff.

Hugs to you as you heal from this one.

September 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdoulicia

Oh Barb. I lit a candle for you today. x

September 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEleanor Velasco

I so agree.

So many times (the majority of the time), helping others isn't about US helping them - it's about THEM helping US. helping us grow, helping us recognize our place in life, helping us see truth.

It's natural as a human with ego to always think it's about us in a positive way...I'm learning this lesson over and over and over. Midwifery has been an incredible teacher.

September 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSage Femme

i wanted to add, because i forgot to in my last post, that i am thinking about you and sending so much peace your way.

September 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSage Femme

Ack...now do I not only need you as my midwife, I need your psychiatrist too! I'm glad you have her...and waiting to hear the story and hoping it came out ok.

September 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThe MSILF

I have had two people (Pastor and a friend) say this to me in the last two weeks, "YOU are not GOD."

I thought back to you and the seed this planted for me to feel better after my difficult, emotional, sad summer.



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