I'm 46 today.
I've watched The Secret every day for 4 days and now own the cd so I can listen to it in the car as I drive the hour to and from work - I am just now finishing it for the first time this evening. If you don't know what the heck I am talking about, please go and look at the website and then come back and talk with me here. I'll wait.
I've known that I've needed an emotional overhaul for a couple of years, but didn't know how to do it. I'd struggled through therapy, depression, worry, stress, hard births and great challenges at work. I've been really ill with a slamming chronic illness, dealt with a DVT, have had a number of distressing tests and taken thousands and thousands of pills.
I'm no longer depressed thanks to the right meds and the correct diagnosis of a rare thyroid condition, I'm no longer bald (after 2.5 years of being so), no longer have the Disseminated Coccidiomycosis (received the news today that my titers remained zero after three months off the Diflucan! Their diagnosis of "remission" - my definition of "cured!"), don't have the DVT and have reduced the number of meds so considerably it is amazing.
Emerging from this darkness, I'm peeking my head out and seeing the bright light I will claim as my own and The Secret is how I will do it. It is almost a religion; I admit it. And I will accept it, grab it and live it because my life is already transformed in the few days since beginning to live The Secret life. I saw The Secret a month ago and kept thinking about it, but not until I started really bringing it into my life, did it begin to impact it.
I've always had a hard time asking clients for money. I know I am worth it... I sure work hard for it, but it just seems so... I don't know... un-midwife-like... to ask for money, so I end up letting my partner go after it once the client has already had the baby. Not an ideal situation, by any means. This had to change.
I began "seeing" myself saying to my clients, "We haven't talked about the money aspect yet. I'm needing a deposit from you. When would you like to pay this?" and I visualized them smiling and handing me their large deposit happily and easily. I did this over and over the day before I was going to see them.
I am doing Centering Prenatals now, so all three of my couples came together for their prenatals on Sunday and right as the session began, two couples, almost at the same time, said, "Hey, we haven't given you any money yet... can we give you some today?" I tried to not let my eyes bug out of my head in shock and said that would be great. The third couple said they would send me a check and they did! It arrived two days after the Centering session!
To say I was stunned is an understatement. I know I shouldn't be surprised because I created it, but still, it's pretty amazing to have it happen... and so fast! (There is no such thing as time with the Universe... no time, no size... it is our perception that creates these things.)
I continue "seeing" the money coming in and have had three new clients in the last week and all of them have mentioned bringing in money with their first prenatal visit - typically unheard of.
While money isn't the be all and end all of midwifery, it does take money to function as a midwife and we deserve it for the hard work we do. It is important for us to value ourselves as we serve women and their families. As we value ourselves, others value us even more. I know that, but now need to live that.
I've wondered why I am a midwife at all anymore. I've considered resting or leaving for several months now, but have been implored to find a way to continue by many around me. I was taken down a psychic road to the end of my life and looked back to see where I would be proud - if I had left midwifery, if I'd have stayed working as a midwife or if I'd have had other more dramatic un-choices taken from me. While there were comforting aspects of leaving and remaining with midwifery, having choices taken from me were completely unacceptable and I shall not ever entertain those options again.
I was finally told I would be given a message within a 24 hour period about whether I was to be a midwife right now or not - whether to take a break or not - and that I would listen to that message and move forward no matter what the message said. I stood firmly and said I would obey.
Almost 24 hours to the minute, a former client of mine came in to the office and told me she was pregnant again. I'd been her midwife for her two other babies and she was so delighted and told me she couldn't imagine anyone else in the world there to help her other than me... that she just couldn't wait to experience another birth with me.
I didn't even hesitate. It didn't even cross my mind to say no to her. There was not a second of a thought to consider taking a rest from being a midwife and sending her to someone else.
In that moment, I had my answer and I embraced my midwifery Self with every ounce of my being with joy and love and energy and wonder and beauty.
I also will no longer accept dramatic births as my fate. I am a midwife to calm, peaceful, gentle, easy births. I am a midwife to calm, peaceful, gentle and easy pregnancies and labors. I understand that I have drawn drama to myself in birth... and birth now, with me, is level and filled with the abundant joy that homebirth can and should be.
For those that have watched me struggle all these months and allowed my processing without judgement, thank you. I've done the best that I know how to do - but now I know better.
I know The Secret.
And today, on my 46th birthday, The Secret has saved more than my midwifery life - it's surely saved my life.
The Secret is no longer a secret. It can now be a part of your life, too. Please see the movie!