FROM THE TOP: Lilo (dancing) and Cash, playing.
DIGIT, 8+ Years old, black lab
CASH, 3 years old, long-haired daschund
LILO, 9 months old, rescue dog, probably mini-pinscher, chihuahua mix
them are pretty pupper dogs!
I think i have toko....whatever it is called. I'm 6 months pregnant and terrified. I can't tell my husband how much. I think it stems from my mother telling me her horror childbirth stories when I was little. She's matter of fact and didn't mean it. I grew up running from televisions in terror and tears when films were showing women dying in the throes of childbirth. My family always said "it's just the TV" which I realised of course, that it mirrored, in some part, the truth.
Medically I have been told while having smear tests that I have "the smallest cervix" they have ever seen. Great. My husband is huge and has a neanderthal-type head and shoulders which make me shudder. My husband had a tumour removed from his spine 2 years ago, went through hell and so much pain and I saw him fight through it. I worry I won't be able to manage, will end up in a 4 day birth before being told that I have to have an emergency caesarean anyway. I have fear about my vagina tearing to my rectum and I'd rather eat my own eyeball that have an episiotomy. My mother-in-law is a friggin ex-maternity nurse and thinks "baby blues" is self-indulgent teenage tantrums.
I feel so pathetic. I want a caesarean but won't get one because the UK won't give them unless you pay or have a "valid" reason. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone apart from this website. Can't even tell my midwife because I know she'll be secretly disgusted at my weakness, as am I in fact. The most ridiculous thing is I've always wanted kids, we went through 3 years of fertility to get pregnant in fact and here I am, more than half way, wondering how my tiny frame can push this baby out. It feels as natural as shitting a watermelon. There I've said it, I apologise and wish I felt differently. I guess I should be lucky I've never had major pain before in my 34 years. Who knows, maybe I'll find this "zone" they keep barking on about, but I suspect, as is usual in stressful situations for me, my adrenalin will be exploding out of every pore in my body and my size 3/4 feet will not help my cracking pelvis. As one midwife said, "not a good sign on the old pelvis front, probably means it's super small, but you could be lucky"....
Thanks for listening to my embarrassing, boring rant but I feel marginally better for writing it down.
I'm going to move this to a post on its own. It deserves to be spoken about again.
Tokophobia. You aren't alone.
AW -- love the pups, especially the weiner dog!
Lilo is looking much better than the last time I saw pictures (when you first got her)
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