My c-section scar hurts. It itches, sweats in the hot summer months, and is numb. It even feels this weird, uncomfortable, pressure feeling when anything, even my husband’s loving caresses touch it. The weird feelings aren’t limited to the scar itself, but the area below as well.
My stomach has this flap- pooch thing that will never go away. It is a horrifying lump that rears its ugliness when I wear stretchy pants, some skirts, and a swimsuit. I fear I will always have to wear a girdle of sorts to smooth everything out. I don’t like my husband to look at my body, I can’t even shave there completely.
My scar says a lot of things to me when I look at it. It reminds me that my doctors didn’t even give me an option of a VBAC the second time. It reminds me that I didn’t get to see my oldest son until he was 2 hours old, and that I didn’t get to see my second one until I threw a fit; I didn’t get to see him until he was hours old, I only got to see him those 15 minutes. It reminds me how I wasn’t allowed out of bed for 24 hours. My youngest son was in the NICU, and I didn’t get to hold my baby and kiss him until 28 hours after his birth. And even then, I was in so much pain. It HURT me, both times, to cuddle my sons, to be their momma. I kissed their foreheads through tears of pain.
Both times, my incision became infected and would not close. Thus, putting me through weeks more of pain, doctor’s visits, and medications. The scar says to me, when I look at it … “you wouldn’t have me if you tried harder the first time, you didn’t fight hard enough for your second birth.” It reminds me that I never got to FEEL my sons come into this world. I did not witness them physically entering the world. I didn’t get to see their naked, new bodies. I met both of my sons when they were wrapped in blankets with knit caps on.
When I touch it, it says “that feels weird”. But also, some different feeling comes over me. Connection. This … thing on my body, thick and bumpy, itchy and numb… will always be with me. The way the most beautiful people came into my life, was through it. When they’re grown and gone with families of their own, I will still have my scar. The sense of touch triggers such an emotional response from me.
I can lose the extra pounds from pregnancy and I don’t have many stretch marks, but my body will always, ALWAYS have a reminder of my pregnancies with my boys.
It isn’t the prettiest, most comfortable thing, but it is important, a part of my history, a part of me, a part of them, a part of us.