My scar is not a source of pain. I don't think it's ugly, it's practically invisible. When I touch it I can barely feel it. I will share my scar's story, and the story of how I've come to love my scar for what it means to me.
My scar came after 23 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, and when the exhaustion took over my body a doctor looked into my vagina where we could see my sweet boy's head and said it was too high for forceps. I was taken to the OR. When the doctors found I was numb enough to cut they made an opening in my body to bring my son into the world. After they sewed my insides shut they stapled the outside closed. At this point my scar was untouchable to me, I couldn't bear the thought of seeing it because it was my failure. It oozed with pain and emotional baggage from my son's birth. Not only did I hate my scar, I hated myself.
When I was finally brave enough to confront the monstrosity carved into my body I was horrified. My body was mutilated, my baby was cut out of me, I was a mother that never gave birth. I was angry, but my scar was obviously healing.
Over the months my scar faded and I began my true healing journey. Talking and writing about the trauma that brought me and my scar together, doing art to understand my scar, to understand what happened. Learning all along that my scar wasn't necessary, that my body did not need to be cut. While the cut that created my scar caused emotional scars, my scar was proof that I would heal inside and out.
It's been over 4 years and so much has changed. My scar says so much to me and about me. I no longer hate my scar, when I feel it I touch it gently with only love and acceptance for what my body and soul has survived. My scar has held strong through 2 more pregnancies and held strong while I birthed two more sons vaginally without medication and without interference. I thank the women before me that found the beauty in their scars and shared their joy and wisdom from this revelation. I see my scar for what it is to me, proof I will do anything for my children and that I can survive anything because of my children.