Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

I had to go to the doctor today because it is getting infected on the right side... which you can see in the last two pics.  They want me to take antibiotics for it.  Hopefully that is all that is needed and they don't have to open it back up to see what is wrong with the stitching underneath.  I told them in the days following the surgery that there was something wrong with the right side and that the stretching and pulling I was feeling "just wasn't right" and they just keep telling me " oh no.. that's normal", but apparently it wasn't (and it hurt really bad).  I have been showering daily, lightly putting antibacterial soap over the wound and patting dry with a clean towel and keeping covered. I kept the tape on it after the staples were taken out for 5 days just like instructed.  The infection is from the previous layers inside not from the outside. Also they nurse left a staple in my stomach and I had to go back 2 days after going home to get it removed.  I had a 102 fever the day I can home as well... not sure if it was a result from the surgery or not. I have little to no sensation on the right side of my stomach. It is very similar of a feeling as when you go to the dentist and get a shot of novacain, you can't feel your cheek and when you touch it it feels like rubber or plastic.  I called a few days ago to let the nurse know, and was told that is normal and since that is dead tissue now that it is very likely that it will remain numb and never have feeling there again because of nerve damage.

  

I included an passage from the book "Birthing From Within" which is an accurate description in ways of how I feel.  It's sort of sad because I don't even remember when was the first time I even fed my baby... however I believe it was over 2 hours after his birth.  It makes me cry to think about how everything ended up.... yes he's healthy and happy which is good.  But I have really been having problems with the labor and delivery and the care and all of it.  It was and still is hard.  Regarding the surgery itself, I felt quite isolated in a room full of people... It was like I wasn't even there to them... or human really.  Very surreal.  

Excerpt from "Birthing From Within" by Pam England & Rob Horowitz
 
            A WOMAN DOES NOT GIVE BIRTH IN A VOID

When people asked me why I had a Cesarean, I didn't know how to answer. I now realize how unmanageably complex that question is, and that I'll never know the answer.  Yet at the time, I thought understanding what had happened would help me regain control. My zealous search spanned years before pushing my consciousness to a paradoxical place of understanding while not-knowing.
 
Here's what I've come to believe: In the moment a Cesarean birth (or any event) happens, no one can know all the forces which converged to create that event.
 
   Labor and birth unfold within a
    complex, and infinite web,
    Spun by the mother,
     And by everyone who has ever taught her
     about mothering, birth, sexuality, pain,
     control and surrender.
     All the people at her birth
     helped spin the web with threads from
     their histories, beliefs, experiences, fears....
     and recent birth experiences that they have witnessed,
     which empowered
     or terrified them.