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Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: wolf

my scar says, "yes, i am here, now get over it and move on, you're expecting again.  this time we will do it right."  i don't want to take a picture of it.  i had a doc who after 22 hours of labor, 15 hours of labor in the hospital, decided, "i'd like to have dinner with my family, so let's wrap this up".  He had even declared me 10 cm and had me pushing, only to turn me away from that path.  He gave up, and so did my family support system due to fear and exhaustion, and therefore so did i.  baby and i were just fine.  when he was ripped from me, all i wanted was to hold him.  but they wouldn't let me.  when they put him near me, he stopped screaming.  they wheeled me out.  i looked and felt like death.  i still feel let down by my body, my ability to concentrate and relax, my doctor, my support system in my family and the list goes on.  when my son was just past 2 weeks old, i had to go back into the hospital for 5 days to be on 3 types of IV anti-biotics.  i had raging fevers and an infant.  i sat alone there, mad, scared and confused, everyday as my family had to all go back to work.  they never really figured out why i had extreme fevers and an elevated white blood cell count, hence the 3 types of antibiotics.  it was a living hell.  i hate IV's now.  i am pregnant again and will NOT go down that road.  I will fight tooth and nail not to return to the hospital, or to the operating table.  i will only invite those who know how strong and powerful i am into my birthing room.   i know i could have had a healthy son either way, i just needed the support to remind me that i could do it.  THIS TIME I SHALL.

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