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Cesarean Scar: Payton's Mom

When I touch my scar I hate it. I wish I could have had a "normal" delivery. You see I didn't conceptualize a delivery other than a normal one. Like many others, my sister, and mother had normal deliveries, so I thought I would too. I did not know 1 in 3 have C-sections, and I did not know my baby was big. My OB never mentioned it.

I labored for many hours. She wouldn’t drop into the canal. The nurses said I would have to go by cesarean, I was horrified. I cried. I didn’t agree to it. For many hours maybe three or four I continued to push. The nurses tried to tell me it was ok. One even showed me her scar and said see it’s not that bad. She was skinny and not built like me. I am 5’1” and 145lbs regular. Not bad, but never skinny. I knew I would never be that lucky. It hurt so badly I finally agreed. She was 10lbs 3oz.

I like most moms of C-sections have the dreaded flap. I feel as if I was robbed of my normal body. I never get to go back to how I was before being a mom. I am embarrassed when my husband sees me nude, and I try to hide the misshapenness of my midsection with any number of clothing articles. I still get emotional over it. It was almost 5 years ago. I think the shock of having a C-section is the emotion that doesn’t fade.

The scar has begun to fade, and it’s easier to explain to my four year old little girl how she was born because I can just show her the scar, but I still long for the feeling of a natural birth. I still wish I had been emotionally prepared for the possibility of a C-section. I can list a hundred things I wish I could change about my L&D process. I still don’t now fully how I feel about it. I think it will be a process, much like a living organism, that is always in a dynamic state.

I want another child, and don’t know which method I will try to have him or her. I guess that’s between me and GOD.

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