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Shifting from Pro-UC to Anti-UC

I was asked how I came to be so against Unassisted (Child)Birth (UC) when I had had a UC for one of my own births. If you’ve read me for awhile, you get the gist of it, but I don’t think I have any one post chronicling the path. Let me see if I can outline it here.

When I had Tristan (in 1982), I had a typical hospital birth with Demerol for pain (epidurals weren’t an option) and a mediolateral episiotomy. At the time, I loved his birth! I loved it so much I wrote letters to the doctor, nurses and hospital President thanking them for such an awesome experience. I didn’t know any better.

Then we moved to Tacoma, Washington and, pregnant with Meghann, I found a Bradley instructor who was also a La Leche League leader and prenatal exercise teacher… Marie Foxton. She was amazing! I glommed onto everything she said, reading anything she offered voraciously. Included in the reading material were newsletters (The New Nativity) from Marilyn Moran, the American mother of UCs. Birth and the Dialogue of Love was Marilyn’s book about husband and wife birthing. Her spin on UCs was that only husbands should be with the woman, no doulas, no friends, no kids; just the man you made the baby with. (Even UCs can have fringe elements!) The idea resonated with me perfectly and I set out to have a, what was called then, Do It Yourself (DiTY) birth. I was supposed to have my baby at the military hospital at Ft. Lewis (Madigan) and continued with prenatal care there. Standing between sheeple and birth anarchist, I had my membranes stripped without my permission (unless taking my pants off designated consent) and contracted for many hours before active labor really kicked in. Not one to just hang out with one man, I’d invited several people to the birth, too. One, Marie’s daughter who took pictures of the event (you can see them here in Meghann’s UC Birth Story) and the other two friends from LLL and my exercise class. Both women had newer babies they brought to the birth as well.

Over the years, I’ve had judgment saying I didn’t really have a UC because there were other people there. That they influenced me and didn’t allow me to listen to my own instincts, which, by the way, would have led me to the hospital. But it was a UC; there was no medical/midwifery provider there. No one listened to fetal heart tones. No vaginal exams. No blood pressure taken. No thought about the baby’s journey, just my own. When I hear UCers talk about their reasons for wanting to have that type of birth, it is rare that anyone even mentions the baby, especially the safety of the baby. They might say they don’t want the baby poked and prodded or they don’t want the baby taken away from them, but those aren’t safety concerns; they’re inconveniences. No one says, “I’m doing this because I don’t want anyone there because I don’t want any neonatal resuscitation or medications for hemorrhage." They honestly don’t believe they will need such things or they will have time to get help if they need it. They are wrong.

Reading Meghann’s birth story, you can see that she was a shoulder dystocia and nearly died. Had I had a midwife there, we wouldn’t have had to call EMS and the transition after birth would have been much more fluid and gentle. Even still, I thought the birth was awesome for many years.

This is where the question comes in: What changed my mind?

Time, distance and experience. When I saw a mother die in 1987, that was a huge sobering experience that profoundly affected my understanding of mortality in birth, both maternal and neonatal. After that, I knew it would be many more years before I was ready to be a midwife. In fact, when I was finally licensed in 2005, my reason for not becoming licensed sooner (despite being in birth work since 1983) was that I had not been spiritually or emotionally mature enough to take two lives in my hands. I wonder if we ever really are.

When I had my UC, I thought I was extremely knowledgeable, having read so many natural birthing books including Spiritual Midwifery and Oxhorn-Foote’s Human Labor & Birth. I studied the second half of Spiritual Midwifery (the technical parts) more than I read the first half with stories. I really did think I knew a lot. But, through the years as a doula, then attending Casa de Nacimiento in 1993, it slowly dawned on me how little I really knew. While I was still very much of the belief that women needed to be protected by their doulas and partners and that technology was mostly out-of-place, I saw experiences in the hospital and birth center that technology never caused. It was clear that sometimes, shit just happened in birth, even when it was left alone… sometimes, because it was left alone.

In 2003 (or so), I started writing an updated Emergency Childbirth for UCers, a manual that talked about what to do with emergencies when alone, whether accidently or on purpose. I wanted to market it to those who might get stuck at home in snowstorms or for after an earthquake and submitted chapters, but no one bit.

In 2005, I helped put on a conference with the California Association of Midwives, International Cesarean Awareness Network and Birth Resource Network and became a speaker for a workshop on UCs. (I can’t remember the name I gave it, sorry.) I loved the workshop and really felt I gave great information about how to overcome emergencies during an Unassisted Birth. I talked about shoulder dystocia, hemorrhage and surprise breech among other less emergent issues. I talked about what to do with tears and how to get a birth certificate as well. After the presentation, I was talking with the participants and one very pregnant woman came up to me and said she was going to UC, but wanted to know if she needed anything, could she call me… like for suturing. Absolutely! I would be more than glad to offer whatever I can, even if it’s just phone help. She thanked me and then we moved on with the rest of the conference.

A few months later, there was a buzz in the community about a UC death, the baby died during a shoulder dystocia. Immediately, I thought about the woman at the conference and wondered if it was her. It was. A few months after hearing about the birth/death, the woman contacted me and we began a several week processing of her experience. (I have permission to talk about this.) This mom was as connected to her body and fearless as anyone I’d ever met; it was stunning she lost her 8-pound baby during a shoulder dystocia. While we talked, she off-handedly said, “Barbara, I did everything you said to do, but my baby still died.” And it was in that second that I realized what I said and did as a midwife could make the difference between life and death… even if I wasn’t at the birth. She meant nothing unkind, no blaming or anything, but I took what she said and beat myself up for years, worried I’d done or said something that encouraged her to go through with the UC. I know intellectually that she made her own decision and that she was going to UC no matter if we’d ever met or not, but maybe what I said bolstered her belief that she could handle any complication. I now feel I gave completely false hope that complications could be handled alone, without medical or midwifery assistance. My heart still aches about the lost baby.

Other parts about that birth come into play, too, because the hospital didn’t treat the death with all the gentleness they should have. Mom never got a photo of her baby, no lock of hair, no blanket… nothing. She can’t remember what he looked like when he was born because they didn’t respect the protocol of what to do when a baby dies. We’ll never know if she was punished because of the UC, but I still cry that she never got a picture of her precious son.

So, after this experience, I did a 180° change.

Shortly after, a dear Netfriend also lost her baby during a UC, a cord prolapse in second stage that was mismanaged by the 911 operator. Had a midwife been there, the baby would, almost certainly, have been alive.

I got my midwifery license in 2005 and worked hard to be a midwife for as many on the fringe as possible. I met a woman at an ICAN meeting who was going to UC and I begged her to please let me attend. A horrific shoulder dystocia of an 11+ pound VBAC baby and subsequent hemorrhage shook all of us up so much, my anti-UC stance was solidified. Every one of us, including the mother, knows if we’d have not been there, both mother and baby would probably not be here. Shook me to the core; I still have nightmares about that birth.

Earlier, before the conference, I’d become Netfriends with Janet Fraser. I was incredibly distressed to learn she lost her baby during her UC. I was also angry as hell. I wrote a piece called “An Open Letter to Janet Fraser” that was harsh and extremely angry. A few years later, I removed it and apologized for the crudeness of my words. I still feel angry that she lost a baby that didn’t need to die because of dogma.

So, there you have it; my transformation from pro-UC to anti-UC. Believe me, I understand that some women have limited to no choices about some aspects of their births, whether they are VBACs or breeches or twins or midwifery isn’t legal or there are no midwives in the area, but I feel so strongly that women should have an attendant that if there is no way to have a midwife (or doctor) at the home for the birth, they need to be in the hospital. I know that seems mean, but it’s far worse to offer condolences because of a dead baby.



CPMs, Don't Read This!

You don’t have to read this because you’re not going to respond anyway, right? You’re not going to give me the time of day, not going to acknowledge that you even read my blog anymore, right? Well, now that I have your attention.

Your silent treatment tactics are not going to work. I will not be quiet about what I know about our “profession.” I will keep enlightening people as to the inner goings on and the mindset of the majority of CPMs/DEMs. And your thinking you can freeze me out with dis-information is incorrect; there are puhLENTY of apprentices and a few CPMs who quietly validate and verify where you’re coming from and going to. I speak the truth and that scares the shit out of you.

So, you can stay silent, but I will not. I have begun a letter-writing campaign to the legislators who have signed on to support the bills that would legalize CPMs in each of the states. I am letting them know there is another side to the story they’re being sold. I am not alone in my campaign.

Until you are able to have a healthy discourse about your behaviors and beliefs, the profession of CPMs will stay stuck in this un-professional, coffee-klatch, secret society style of presenting itself. Buck up and take some responsibility for your beliefs and actions. Only then will we really them be professional.


Succinct Reasons CPMs/DEMs Need to Get Their Act Together

Before I begin, I feel it's really important to say I am not anti-midwife, not even anti-CPM. I am against the way things are at the moment and am for increasing the standards for all CPMs/DEMs and believe it will only help home birth in the United States. I felt I needed to clarify before you started this post.

Sara Larane Savel, answering a thread about Michigan’s introduction of Senate Bill 1208 which would, among other things,  limit midwives to those that are Registered Nurses first, not permit breech births or other complicated cases out of hospital and require them to carry malpractice insurance, created this piece she calls “Midwives: Bringing it On Themselves.” I rarely quote entire posts, but this was so spot on, I can’t help but write it all out for you here. I’m going to interject between her points. She says:

“As a Michigan tax payer, I support strict regulation of homebirth midwives if they are to receive Medicaid reimbursement and be covered by insurance. The truth of the matter is that the midwifery movement has brought this situation on themselves.

Sara was once an avid home birth advocate, in her words, “Before I got pregnant and had a baby, I was convinced that I was going to have an all natural midwife assisted birth. I knew lots of women who successfully homebirthed with lay midwives, and was close to a retired DEM. I knew all the catchphrases about birth being a normal event, about doctors being cut happy, and rambled on about the Dutch ad nauseum.” Like me, she became disillusioned by the Natural Birth Community (NBC) and has chosen to speak out about her discoveries. Her list of reasons CPMs/DEMs are in such negative light right now includes:

  1. Not transferring high risk clients to obstetrical care.

This happens all the time and is something I’ve done (not done) myself. I attended a twin home birth and the births of women with very large babies. It took a really out-of-range woman to get herself risked out. I’ve watched as midwives have taken and kept high risk women over and over again.

     2.   Describing many high risk conditions as "variations of normal" in order to promote an agenda that all birth is "as safe as life gets" regardless of the medical needs of individual mothers and babies.

Exactly. Saying that breeches and twins are “variations of normal” is absurd. Breeches and twins come with unique sets of complications that are anything but “normal.”

    3.   Refusing to set concrete and consistent educational standards for classroom and clinical training.

This has to be one of the most confounding parts of CPMs… why they can’t come up with standardized education requirements is baffling.

     4.   Refusing to require hands on clinical training in emergency births.

While there is some hands-on training, there isn’t nearly enough. I believe there should be some rehearsing at each monthly Peer Review or more frequently if your Peer Reviews are further apart. I believe different groups of midwives and students should work with each other in these scenarios so each woman gets an idea of how the other person works during an emergency because we never know who we might end up with at a birth. However, the midwives/apprentices that work together the most should practice so much each knows the others’ body memories and actions without thinking. I believe these scenarios should include shoulder dystocias, surprise breeches and twins (including calling 911!), postpartum hemorrhage, neonatal resuscitation, the umbilical cord falling off, a partial release of the placenta, placental fragments still inside the mom, mom freaking out, TTN, fetal distress, hypoglycemia in the newborn, calling EMS and role playing that scenario as well as giving report to EMS and RNs and OBs at the hospital. (I’m sure there are more I’m missing. But the Big Three [PPH, NR and shoulder dystocia] are often the only ones addressed. That has to end.) I believe the more experienced midwives should lead the charge to educate the less-experienced women and insist on these scenarios any time midwives, apprentices and students are in a group together, even if it is a social setting. Spend 20-30 minutes before or after a gathering to practice some scenario. In my experience and in talking to midwives, students and apprentices around the country, this aspect of midwifery care is sorely lacking.

     5.   Fighting every attempt to hold midwives accountable.

This is confounding! When a midwife does something wrong, for goodness sake, instead of holding a rally for her, hold her accountable via Peer Review and legally if necessary. What is with supporting all midwives merely because “there but for the grace of god go I”? It’s ridiculous and extremely unfair to the women who lose their babies or have their child damaged by an inept midwife… even if it was an accident. Sure, accidents happen, but we hold OBs accountable for accidents. Why aren’t we doing the same for midwives?

     6.   Fighting every attempt to regulate midwives.

Another confounding aspect of CPMs, insisting that all midwives receive the same education and skills training via the same mechanisms. It does suck there aren’t schools around the US for women to attend in person, but at least the ones that are out there could be similar in their classes and information imparted. That CPMs are permitted to take classes via mail from a variety of schools is just weird. At the least, they could all be MEAC-accredited schools, even though MEAC isn’t the be all and end all for the education of midwives in America.

     7.   Unconditional support for midwives under investigation or on trial when a baby dies. Creating a culture of animosity against mothers who speak out against dangerous midwives.

Mentioned above. And it is just awful mothers who’ve lost babies in home births are made to feel like crap for speaking out. We expect and encourage women to speak out about their hospital births… usually in the negative to validate the home birth culture… but any time a mom speaks negatively about home births, she is suspect and considered a troll or one of Dr. Amy’s minions. That has got to stop! Women who’ve suffered through their home birth experiences have every right to speak up just like women who’ve suffered hospital birth experiences. We would never consider silencing a woman telling her hospital trauma story. Why do we do that with our troubled/pained home birth mamas? It’s simply not fair.

     8.   Not speaking out against dangerous midwives. There is an intrinsic code of silence in the midwifery community. Even when they think a midwife is at fault, they will stand in solidarity with her because they mistakenly believe that prosecuting dangerous killer midwives in some kind of medieval persecution. The concept of midwifery is more important than ethics, safety, integrity, or human beings.

Again, mentioned above and agree 100%. I do think a large part is the “there but for the grace of god go I” mentality, but midwifery is still seen as a calling and with that brings an entire (often unspoken) spiritual aspect to the profession and it seems like heresy to speak out against the women who are a part of the group. It is disgusting to me how dangerous midwives are spoken about in behind closed doors yet are allowed to continue their path of destruction with women and babies. What about the protection of our clients? Don’t they deserve to know who is and isn’t operating within the standards of care and who flagrantly flaunts the boundaries of safety? Isn’t there a space between lying and slander? I believe there has to be.

     9.   Double standards:

These are brilliant.

-         Saying that birth is as safe as life gets, and then switching to the statement that birth is inherently risky when something goes wrong.

-         Blaming mothers for not doing "research" or "trusting birth" when a midwife fails to do her job.

-         Using scare tactics to keep women from going to the hospital or seeking obstetrical care, then blaming the mother for not transferring when something goes wrong.

-         Telling women that "babies die in hospitals too" when it is actually a midwife error that caused a homebirth loss, and had the mother been in the hospital the death would likely have been prevented because of the availability of technology.

-         Wanting to be considered "professional" birth attendants, yet refusing to hold to consistent standards of education, scope of practice, oversight, regulation, and ethics.

-         Wanting to receive Medicaid and insurance reimbursements but refusing to hold liability insurance.

-         Saying they are not health care providers and do not practice medicine, yet want Medicaid reimbursement.

-         Claiming to support women yet abandoning them if they speak out against dangerous midwives.”

I couldn’t have said this better myself.

Sometimes things we write take on a life of their own. Sara told me she scribbled these words down in a 15 minute break while her three-year old was watching Bob the Builder. Inspired, Sara… absolutely inspired. I wish I’d have said these words myself. Thank you for allowing me to share them here.


Sarah's GREAT News!

I always love stories about babies and mamas, but this story of survival brought tears to my eyes. You go, Sarah!

"Good News for you, Barb.

"I guess it isn't hot off the press, but it's still good. I left my abusive ex. I am safe. I'm not being beaten or forced into nonconsensual encounters, intimidated, ruled by fear, told I'm ugly and worthless and unable to do anything well. Not anymore.

"And I remarried. We have a relationship dynamic that brings out the best in both of us, and we are able to communicate about anything and everything without being judged. I'm working on getting a clinical doctorate now, and am encouraged by my SO at every turn. We share responsibilities with the kids, pets, housework, garden. Here, there is respect, equality, and love. I am blessed.

"And it is good."

You are blessed, indeed, but you have the credit for your blessings. Embrace every one of them.


Radical Doula’s RHReality Check Article

Miriam Perez, whom I adore, wrote a piece July 17, 2012 entitled “Is it Safe? Asking the Wrong Question in the Home Birth Debate” wherein her contention isn’t that home birth is the issue, but that babies die in the hospital and that is where our focus should be. It’s surprising that Miriam would use the fetal death rate when, in fact, it’s the perinatal death rate that should be being looked at. The fetal death rate measures deaths starting at 20 weeks of gestation and ends at birth, with a stillbirth, whereas the perinatal death rate begins at 20 weeks and ends one to four weeks (depending on source) postpartum. Looking at this, you can see why, without batting an eye, why hospital births have many more deaths than at home; they include deaths before 37 weeks, which is when a midwife would typically begin attending the births. Let’s look at births in the hospital of normal, full-term babies and compare those to home births and see, use the ratio keeping them even and see who has the lower death rate. It’s unlikely anyone will be able to do this, but this would be the way to measure whose perinatal death rate is larger.

Miriam talks about the cesarean crisis and I agree the rate of cesarean sections is far too high, but she quotes the World Health Organization’s recommended rate of 15%, but neglects to mention WHO dropped that statement in June 2010, that statement saying there was no exact number that dictates what the percentage of cesareans should be.

Where we agree is that hospital standards need examining and revising, birth in the hospital should be civil and respectful (which, by the way, I see happening more and more as the years go by) and that those that make mistakes need to be held accountable. She mentions that deaths and accidents are hidden from view in the hospital, but that isn’t my experience. Families readily sue OBs and nurses, whereas that possibility isn’t available to those birthing at home. The most a mourning home birth family can do is go to the press and express themselves there. I believe that’s why it seems we hear more about home birth deaths than hospital ones.

Looking at the way hospitals operate is important, but for those of us who are immersed in the natural, home birth communities, it is those births that deserve our attention right now. Let’s get the non-nurse midwives more education and skills training as well as reign in the risks they/we take and lower our own perinatal death and complication rates. Then we can more evenly review what happens in the hospital and perhaps get that required-for-safety collaboration with the medical system.

I, for one, want it all.


Vanessa's Good News!

I love this one! Good job, Vanessa.

"My first baby was a homebirth.

"After reading all your thoughts on the CPM certification, I feared that as a young mom I had been naive and foolish. Did I choose my midwife wisely? So I decided to take a chance and google her (it has been many years and several babies since we last met, we both have moved to different states.)

"The first site was listed under her name and was a 'warning' site for moms and dads to avoid her. My heart sank. Then I read the site more carefully -- turns out this family was flaming mad because after 8 months of care she dropped them because the pregnant mother, who was older for having her first child, was having protein in her urine and high blood pressure. After trying diet and herbs, it didn't help, so my old midwife refused to continue care and sent them on to an OB and the women 'had' to have a hospital birth.

"YAY! I felt happy and proud. I really did try to research a lot before hiring her -- she had the CPM and LDEM certifications and had worked as an OB tech in a big area hospital. She did a lot of continuing education and gave us a huge binder of info when we signed on for our birth. I'm so glad to hear she is living up to the promises she made - to be a 'low risk' midwife who cares for mothers and babies more than her own reputation."


Sara's Good News

"My good news is that my son born on March 19th is doing awesome :) Like another poster, he is almost 21 pounds and 26 inches long. He was born at home after a quick easy labor weighing 7.4, so he's come a long way in such a short amount of time!"

Love it! Thanks so much for sharing with us, Sara.


Kendra Henry's Good News

Keep the good news coming!

Kendra says:

"I signed up for Certified Lactation Counselor training for this fall through the WIC office I work at. I can't believe it, but I've been there a whole year as a Breastfeeding Peer Counselor!

"I'm currently trying to get a mom's group, car seat and childbirth classes added to our breastfeeding class line up,  too. Not to mention a huge community world breastfeeding week picnic to get some positive spin in the community.




Another good news story!

Johanna Holmes says:

"Philip, Mr. 10 lb 8 oz Leap Day baby, went to the doctor and is now coming in at 20 lbs 13 oz and is 28 1/2 inches tall (8 inches in 4 months?!?) at all of 4 months old.  He's wearing size 24 month outfits.  No oversupply issues, he's not even nursing between 10pm and 6am.  Here's a comparison shot with his almost 4 year old brother."

Love it!



Georgia's Nursing

I asked for good news and people are taking it to heart! Here's Mary J. Blakley's good news for us to read.

"I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on December 29th, and saw two midwives for all of my care.  I had planned a homebirth but had to transfer to the hospital due to meconium in the waters,
and you know what?  I love the fact that Ontario has very strict guidelines for who can and cannot homebirth, along with reasons for transfer.  Was my birth everything I had wanted?  No, but that's okay.  I was well-respected and supported in the hospital, and our community midwives are well-integrated into the Ontario health care system (some places are still working out the kinks, but I felt my local hospital created a wonderful cooperative team environment
for midwives, OBs, nurses, and GPs).

"My good news is that my daughter is healthy, happy, and HUGE, and we recently celebrated the milestone of exclusively breastfeeding for her first six months of life.  It was a lot of work and involved so much support from so many people and resources, but I am thrilled that we accomplished this goal.  Georgia recently started solids, and does not appear to enjoy sweet potato.  I think my breasts are her favourite thing in the world."

Wonderful Mary! Congratulations to all of you.


Hormonal Menopause

I know this isn’t birthy information, but is women’s health and is me, so thought I’d share anyway.

I don’t know lots about menopause, just that I’m there not having had a period for over two years. I just had a vaginal ultrasound (consensual) and the lining of my uterus is thin, as thin as a woman in menopause, so I’m officially there. Well, have officially been there for awhile, but reaffirmed now. I mention about not knowing a lot because it wasn’t until recently that I learned of the intense hormonal depression many women entering menopause experience, my own depression perhaps having another explanation besides (or in addition to) the life changes I’ve been experiencing.

I was on progesterone for awhile, helping to take care of hot flashes and night sweats, but my newest care provider was concerned about the progesterone and felt I should be on estrogen instead, or at least with the progesterone. But in 2007, I had a Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) and blood clot from ankle to groin and estrogen is contraindicated in women who’ve had a DVT. I was almost completely bedridden when I had the DVT, so the provider (a Nurse Practitioner) sent me to a GYN for a second opinion. The GYN said no way on the estrogen and put me back on progesterone, again for the hot flashes and night sweats. They suck, by the way. Nothing like having to lay down towels on the wet bed just to finish sleeping.

I off-handedly mentioned my lowered sex drive and that I’d love to have some help with it and she easily prescribed testosterone cream. Wow! It had to be compounded and my insurance didn’t pay for it, but the container is enough for 4 months and cost a mere $28 ($7 a month!). It’s in a little deodorant looking vial and I make one rotation of the bottom and a little squirt of cream oozes out the top. I then rub it in a hairless part of my body. At first, I tried under the top part of my flappy underarms (not where deodorant goes), but have since changed to the inside of my right elbow. I have to be very careful with babies and moms and only hold babies on my left side, hence putting it on my right side. I’ve only used it for a few days and nothing so far, but I’ll report back if my sex drive, fantasies and orgasms increase. laughing I know you can hardly wait to hear.

It’s kind of weird, taking hormones. The hot flashes and night sweats have lessened, so that’s good, but I can’t help but wonder what all these hormones are doing to the rest of my body. Interestingly, the results are more important than long-term considerations. Clearly, I’m a want-it-done-NOW kind of person.

Okay, time to put my cream on. Later!


How to Put Twins in a Moby Wrap

Here's some good news!


Good News, Anyone?

I get sent all sorts of stories and newsbits, but they are overwhelmingly not the happiest pieces of information. I would love it if people sent me some great things. Anyone?


Biter Death?

I’ve had ten people call/email/text me telling me that Dr. Biter (formerly, Dr. Wonderful) had a baby die in a home birth less than two weeks ago. I tried to wait until it made the papers (a couple said they were calling them), but I figured when it got to ten, several from very reliable sources, I could write about it and it wouldn’t sound like a crazy rumor. I’ve been told some of the facts, but those aren’t verifiable yet, so more information when I know for sure.


Binary Parenting

There’ve been discussions about raising children in a gender-free or gender-neutral environment, the most familiar being Storm, a baby being raised without the sex characteristics being publicized or known even amongst the closest of relatives. Before Storm was Pop, a Swedish child being raised the same way, all pronouns being gender-free. This must get extremely difficult, especially when there are groups who feel the same way, but there’s the Egalia Preschool in Sweden (“Sweden’s ‘gender neutral pre-school”) where they try to have balance in everything gender-oriented. Kids are called by their names, “friends” or using the newish gender-neutral Finnish word “hen.” I’ve not heard of any schools trying this here in the United States, but can certainly see it happening in the next few years.

Besides the parents making a choice not to disclose gender, there’s a movement that insists people might not even be one gender or another. The belief that there are only two genders is a Gender Binary System. Someone who has the sex characteristics of one sex (male or female), but the brain of the other sex is considered Trans* (the asterisk replaces the modifier of choice for individuals… i.e. Transgender or Transsexual). However, most trans*folks identify with the Gender Binary System. Those that do not are considered Gender Variant… not feeling or acting either male or female. In fact, there are some gender variants that don’t even use male or female pronouns, the common descriptors being them, they or their even when being singularly addressed. It’s getting confusing out there! (In writing, the gender-free pronouns tend to be sie or zie instead of he and she, and hir instead of him and her.)

In talking to Zack (my transsexual spouse), I asked about his childhood as a girl. He had an older brother and Zack (then Sarah) coveted his brother’s toys and pastimes. Many times, even in the very progressive household he lived in, he was pushed towards female things from toys to clothes. I wondered about other someday-trans* kids and how to help them have the most well-adjusted growing up time, what would Zack have changed (besides transitioning pre-puberty) to make things easier… and what are his thoughts on raising kids gender-free. He told me it would be awesome if kids were offered toys, books, clothes, etc. that were both genders and that any choice would be acceptable. This would be easier at home than out, especially for little boys who chose “girl” things. But, if there was a way to do so, this is how Zack said kids would be able to express themselves the best, as long as all choices were welcomed.

Z did look at me sternly and ask, “You aren’t suggesting kids be raised gender-variant/gender-neutral, are you?” I asked him why, what were his thoughts. He said this is a binary world and as hard as the them, they, theirs try to force people to acknowledge a third (fourth, fifth, etc.) gender, it is unlikely that will ever happen. He said he would imagine children not raised binary would be so confused as to not know where they fit in in our culture.

It sounds funny, a transguy talking about conforming to society’s expectations, but in order to not be humiliated in school, to be able to get a job, to not be continually angry (as so many them, they, theirs are), living in the binary world just makes sense.

I wonder what’s going to happen to Pop and Storm as they get older. Is their pronoun going to be them, they, their?

What are your thoughts? How are you raising your kids?


Cesarean Scar: Star

I am the biggest klutz on Earth. I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. It’s pretty bad. Somehow, though, I had managed to make it to the ripe old age of 23 with no visible scars and no broken bones or surgeries. This was either through the grace of some higher power or because I never participate in sports. 

And then I got pregnant. I spent 40 weeks deciding that I was going to have a non-medicated hospital birth. My provider was onboard. My then-husband was on board. Everything was good. 

I wound up being induced due to some complications, and I walked around, and I used a birth ball, and everything was excellent.  Except my body did not cooperate. I never dilated past a 2. My ob told me she advised a c-section, and I cried. Big, huge tears. She sat on the bed next to me and hugged me and then gave me a few minutes to think about it. We went in the operating room, and I was scared. I remember telling my husband I didn’t want to do this anymore. A nurse had to come over and soothe me.

In the recovery, I found my scar to be an ugly, horrible, wretched thing – made worse by all of the people who told me what an idiot I was for letting my terrible OB cut me open, and how I hadn’t had birth like a real woman. If I was more educated, if I was in better shape, if I was more prepared…

Flash forward three years to kiddo number two. I’m in the best physical shape of my life, having lost 170 pounds and developed a 6 day a week gym habit. I’m determined to have a VBAC. I do everything I’m supposed to. At 40 weeks, I start encouraging labor in every possible way. Nothing.  41 weeks. Nothing.  I have a brief period of regular contractions, and go to the hospital. They stop. At almost 42 weeks, I have a not-encouraging nonstress test. I agree to c-section number two at 42 weeks, thinking that I am a failure. That I am a joke. That I am not a real woman. The surgery goes easily, with everyone being incredibly nice and the anesthesiologist cracking jokes with me when I got nervous. Recovery is not really a huge deal. I actually start doing some light jogging 4 weeks postpartum. I still feel very conflicted when I think of the birth or look at my scar, though.

But the more I think it over, the more I love my scar. It’s awesome. The 4-5 inch shiny white line is where my children were born. They are alive because someone discovered that you can bypass the vagina and take babies out another way. In the past, we might have died. 

My scar also says that I can roll with the punches. I allowed something that I swore I wouldn’t, for the better of my babies and my own health.  Isn’t that what we do, as moms? Don’t we look at our unique children and situations and do the absolute best for our own families? How can doing that ever be a bad thing?

My birth experiences weren’t what I imagined, but I was always surrounded by a caring team of individuals who did anything they could to honor my wishes, and I have two gorgeous, healthy, perfect children that light up my life every day.  If that’s not what we all hope for as moms-to-be, it damn sure should be.


Reigning in the Renegades

This is a comment in the “Guest Post: From an Ex-(CPM)Apprentice” post but it needed to have its own light. This is the third such comment about risk in home birth. She writes:

“’From another ex-apprentice: “I too quit because of that question just WHEN does someone get risked out?”’"

 "’If not for HIPAA, I would list the scenarios I witnessed ...’"

“I had to read these words a couple of times to assure myself that they were not mine. I have felt/thought these exact same things. And yes, the lack of risking out criteria is the reason I left my apprenticeship. The home birth community is small, and describing some of the high-risk cases that I've witnessed handled at home would reveal too much - and perhaps the identity of the client(s).

“Student CPM for Safety in Birth:

“The experience you are describing is what I had hoped for when I started on my path to become a CPM. I was also enrolled in a MEAC accredited program. Unfortunately I cannot give MEAC accredited education a resounding commendation, nor can I give one for the apprenticeship model.

“I learned wonderful, incredible things in my apprenticeship. I witnessed low-risk, attentive, appropriately managed home births. I learned some facets of midwifery care that I do not believe I would have learned in another setting with a different type of provider. BUT - there were some GLARING black holes: in risk management, in skills, in theory, in practice - that I could not ignore anymore - and I could not fill these black holes on my own. I also felt that parents and babies and families were being put at risk - and I didn't want to participate in that charade any longer.

“I know there are midwives practicing with appropriate protocols and standards, who have been trained in evidence-based practice - it's just that the CPM credential does not guarantee that. (This took me a long time to learn and accept - as I was pursuing this credential). And I haven't seen even an INKLING that NARM or NACPM or MANA or MEAC whoever is working on this.

“I would like to see the vision of Student CPM for Safety in Birth to come true. I would. CPMs - organizationally - need to take a good, hard, look at their practices and standards. But unfortunately, I don't see that happening.

“I'm glad that the public - and home birth parents - are coming forward. I'm glad this discussion is happening. It should have been happening years ago.

“Thank you NGM for providing this forum.”

Just before this comment came through, I got an email from a frustrated CPM who had some thoughts I’d also like to share. It seems she’s darn tootin’ tired of being lumped in with all CPMs, especially the ones that don’t adhere to accepting (and keeping) only low-risk women. She’s seen as a “medwife” whose standards are too stringent, yet all she’s really doing is operating within the boundaries of the laws in her state.

What is so wrong with having parameters? It’s what keeps women and babies safe. They weren’t created to annoy midwives or clients, but to make sure the woman and baby make it through birth safe and alive. Her (and my) wish is that these out-of-bounds, renegade midwives would get with the program and stay within the standards of care of low-risk clients. Mothers and babies would be safer and midwives would not be so reviled if they obeyed the rules.

Midwives are known for operating on the periphery of society, it’s a part of the natural birth culture. But, it’s time to strengthen the rules and (in my opinion) force midwives, through peer pressure that starts from the moment the student decides to be a midwife, to follow the rules.

It isn’t a bad thing to follow protocols! Our job is to help women and babies have great, safe, births, even if they have to happen in the hospital. We have got to stop apologizing for transferring and transporting women. It is a normal part of the possibility in a homebirth.

As always, the clients’ desires come into this discussion.

“But, what if the woman wants to have her twins/breech/VBAmC/etc. baby at home? Don’t I have a responsibility to serve her?”

The answer is no. If the woman is low-risk, perhaps yes. If she is high-risk, no. You have a responsibility to serve her correctly, within the normal and safe boundaries of birth. The line must be drawn somewhere and it must be drawn further back than it is at this point. Midwives all have boundaries they won’t cross, whether it’s a preeclamptic woman or a woman with triplets, there are lines they won’t cross. (Except for a couple of high profile midwives around the world.) Bringing the limitations inward can do nothing but keep women and babies safer as well as (not that this is the most important aspect, but it’s important nevertheless) helping our publicity problems. If a homebirth midwife was seen as careful and adherent to the low-risk status of women… what the studies watch for when they report on such things… then we can begin to save not only lives, but our own faces.

I think this new way of thinking would be hardest on the older (not age) midwives who’ve, through time and experience, had an edge over the newer women, both with skills and arrogance. They’ve never seen anything tragic happen, so nothing they’re doing could be wrong. When, in reality, it’s probably only a matter of time before something does… if they stay on the same track they’ve been on. And because it’s the older midwives who are the mentors, they’re teaching the younger, less seasoned women, things the newer midwives simply don’t have the skills or experience to understand yet. So much of home birth midwifery takes time to learn.

So what of the women who would be left out of home birth care if midwives tightened the parameters? I believe there would be a period of adjustment, a rash of women threatening to UC and women trying to strong-arm midwives into attending them. But, I think after the women in our country saw we were serious, they would deal with it, hire the midwife as a monitrice (who also stuck to her guns about no “surprise” home deliveries) or doula and had as decent a hospital birth as possible. I can see clearly the emotional blackmail that would ensue and it would be crucial for midwives to withstand the coercion.

Of course, in my perfect world I would also make hospitals welcoming, respectful, open to vaginal births after cesareans, vaginal twins and breeches when safe enough and having immediately lower cesarean rates so women wouldn’t be terrified to go into the hospital. I also think that many women are unnecessarily scared by hospital deliveries and midwives can have a hand in un-brainwashing that belief, too. Of course, they have to believe it first and that might be the biggest challenge of all.

Lastly, I want to see midwives who adhere to standards rewarded, not vilified. It shouldn’t be this way, but they are the brave ones in the bunch, the “renegades” of those that refuse to conform. Just because the majority are out-of-bounds doesn’t make them right. (And, in my experience, it is the majority that do not adhere to the strict low-risk standards.)

I was one of those midwives who took almost any client that asked and it’s a miracle a couple of those mothers or babies aren’t dead. I’ve witnessed midwives taking high-risk clients and again, it’s a miracle those women and babies are still here. I’m tired of seeing my “sisters” flaunt the low-risk standards we all know are the right things to do. For crying in a bucket, let’s do them.


Reader Question: CPM or CNM

With permission from the author:

I read your blog often, and would like to pick your brain on a question if you have a moment. I'm a mom and a big believer in women's right to choose where, how, and with whom to birth. I am also an aspiring midwife, and I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, so to speak, in choosing the right path for me. So I'm writing for some advice. Are there any direct-entry programs in the US that you feel provide adequate and appropriate training for midwives? I have considered doing the CNM route, but I do have doubts about my ability to work in a hospital as a nurse, and about that kind of training as well. Will it be as holistic as I hope? The CNMs I've met tend to be more obstetrically-minded than I'd hoped (though maybe this limited experience has biased me unfairly).

Anyway- I want to be as well prepared as possible. I realize there is real risk inherent in birth and I know I won't be comfortable with myself as a care provider unless I feel I've sought the best training possible. I'm sure a lot of this is in the apprenticeship/clinical portion, but I know the formal ‘schooling’ is really important too. Any advice you might give would be much appreciated. Like I said, I read your stuff often, and appreciate your skepticism.

I share this email because I’m being asked this more and more. And while I’ve addressed it a couple of times, it seems the cycle has come around again to talk about it.

First, the only complete education and skills training program I think is more than adequate is Florida’s process to becoming a midwife. The Florida School of Traditional Midwifery (which happens to be MEAC-accredited as well) is the school I’m most familiar with. If there had to be a litmus test of other schools, it would be that they are MEAC-accredited and cost a buttload of money. $20,000+ gets you a pretty decent education. Beware the discounted and we’ll-get-you-through-fast programs. The road to becoming a midwife should be long and arduous. And expensive. There’s a reason for that. It is only through time does a woman witness a great variety of births and birth scenarios. Hypothetically, a midwifery student could attend 40 homebirths and never see anything more dramatic that sticky shoulders or a woman needing pit to stem a mild hemorrhage. It isn’t until the real difficulties occur –and many of those are so subtle as to be easily missed by the novice- that a midwife learns her skills.

Women wanting to be midwives (and I know there’ve been a few men interested, but in general it’s women) seem to want to zippity-doo-dah through the process. I know I sure did. I thought I’d seen enough already, that I knew so much, it was a mere technicality towards my having a license. How wrong I was. So much more responsibility is necessary than even I thought (and I’d already been to about 700 births by the time I got my CPM). There’s a world of difference watching/assisting and being responsible for the two lives. Only experience can develop that reality. And not being the Primary midwife, but a Primary Under Supervision of a very experienced midwife. It disturbs me, midwives who’ve had less than ten years of experience teaching apprentices. How can they teach when it isn’t even ingrained in them yet? (And I had an apprentice when I first got licensed. One of the stupidest things I ever did was believe I could teach someone the gamut of midwifery skills when my own weren’t even honed.)

So the reader’s questions aren’t black & white answers.

If you are more holistically-minded and think you will be brainwashed in Nursing School, perhaps you aren’t so strong in your beliefs or Nursing School has a lot of reality to teach.

If you find a great school to attend… MEAC-accredited, expensive and extensive… you will still need to find an experienced midwife to apprentice with. And your apprenticeship needs to be years long in order to get the proper and adequate education.

If this sounds daunting, good! It should be.

Now, looking at becoming a CNM, all schools to become a nurse and then midwife share the same quality education. You can pick a school anywhere in the country and know you’ve chosen well. Then, when you are doing your skills training, you know that almost all teachers have a certain level of knowledge and training themselves. If you happen to get a crappy mentor, wait a few weeks and you’ll get a different one. You learn from many different mentors, not just the one or two you apprentice with as a home birth student midwife.

Each non-CNM midwife has what I call “black holes” in their education and skills training. When they teach, they also teach the black hole… or rather, they leave out the knowledge of the black hole, thereby passing on the black hole from generation to generation of apprentices/midwives. Unless a student/apprentice has another midwife that accidently fills in the black hole, she can go her entire life not knowing about something. For example, I just reported on a study that showed “Heat Wave May Make Womb a Dangerous Place,” that heat was positively associated with congenital cataracts. When I reported on it, I noted that I’d not known babies could have congenital cataracts. Another midwife was surprised (understatement) that I didn’t test for them, looking in the newborn’s eyes with a flashlight to look for the “red reflex” (you can bet I know about it now!). I’ve had at least ten midwives teaching me how to do newborn exams and I can’t remember even one of them telling me about the red reflex. Clearly, this was a black hole in my education… and one I passed on to my apprentice as well. Hopefully, she’s learned about it since then. As an aside, I’m reading the new edition of “Heart & Hands: A Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy and Birth” to review it here on the blog. H&Hs was a staple in my midwifery education, we nearly memorizing it for our NARM exam. I’m assuming Anne Frye’s replaced H&Hs, but know this is still an extremely important text for student midwives. In here it says:

Check the eyes for red spots, hemorrhages of the sclera due to pressure in the birth canal. Also look for evidence of jaundice: (sic) the whites of the eyes should be white, not yellow. Check to see if the pupils are equal in size and reactivity when exposed to light. Check for tracking by moving your finger back and forth close to the baby’s face. Check the shape and spacing of the eyes, noting any irregularities.

Then it goes on to erythromycin in the eyes, but nothing about red reflexes. It bothers me that it isn’t in there and disturbs me that I never checked a baby’s eyes for cataracts. I can only pray none of them had one or the Pediatrician found it if there was. That was a roundabout way to explain a black hole, but there you have it. It is unlikely this would happen in nursing and midwifery school.

I believe CNMs tend to be more medically-minded because they see far more than a home birth midwife does and understand the necessity of being on your toes in birth. One of my favorite midwives, who was also one of the most laid back, had an amazing education at Grady Memorial in the heart of Atlanta, attending to HIV patients and a wide variety of not-really low-risk clients, but learning what was normal and what, most definitely, was not normal. She was one of the best midwives I’ve ever worked with, gentle with clients while making sure they were safe and healthy. And then there’s the “hands-off” midwife I once was who didn’t listen to fetal heart tones because a mom didn’t want me to. You tell me who was acting correctly in birth. Just because I was filled with woo didn’t mean I was doing the right thing. There is balance and balance can only be found with education and training.

You have to know it all (or as much as possible) in order to make informed choices. That goes for midwives as much as it does our clients. If we aren’t aware of all our choices, how do we offer our clients the best care out there? We can’t.

It’s true. I am all gung-ho for CNMs now. Actually, it’s for their education. It’s just the more I know and the more I hear, the less I like the CPM education. It scares me in many ways. Most of what scares me is the arrogance of the groups behind the education process. Instead of seeing the gaping holes and trying to fill them, they pretend to fill the hole with a teaspoon of dirt. Why can’t NARM see that Biology, Anatomy & Physiology and other science classes should be required for the CPM license? Why, when they had the chance to add classes, they chose a class in cultural sensitivity? (Not that that isn’t important, but so are basic classes like the ones mentioned above.)

Dear reader, if you’re looking for the most comprehensive education process, there is no question. You will learn more, see more and do more in any CNM track than you would if you were going through the CPM path. While the argument is often said that CPMs learn normal birth whereas CNMs learn more complicated, medicalized birth, I’ll say that when the shit hits the fan in birth… and it does… knowing normal birth doesn’t save the lives; knowing complicated means does.

I look forward to your thoughts about what I’ve said. As well as others, too.



Home birth: Increasingly Popular, But Dangerous” in the Daily Beast by Michelle Goldberg started the hoopla.

For many parents, home birth is a transcendent experience, and they’re profoundly grateful to have been able to have their babies on their own terms. Yet as the number of such births grows, so does the number of tragedies—and those stories tend to be left out of soft-focus lifestyle features. Now a small but growing number of people whose home deliveries have gone horribly awry have started speaking out, some of them on a blog, Hurt by Homebirth, set up by former Harvard Medical School instructor Amy Tuteur. “These people are beating themselves up over this,” says Tuteur, perhaps the country’s fiercest critic of the home-birth subculture. “They did it because they thought it was safe, and it wasn’t safe.”

Out of 39 paragraphs, Dr. Amy Tuteur (the Skeptical OB) is quoted in four and mentioned in a fifth, yet the afterquakes have, almost exclusively, have centered around including Tuteur as a source for Goldberg’s article.

In fact, in The Slate, Jennifer Block’s piece entitled, “How to Scare Women: Did a Daily Beast story on the dangers of home birth rely too heavily on the views of one activist?” contains 16 paragraphs and Tuteur is highlighted in ten of those, not including the obvious reference to her in the title.

Goldberg's reliance on Tuteur is an interesting choice. Also known as “Dr. Amy,” Tuteur let her medical license lapse in 2003 and created the blog Home Birth Debate in 2006, which she used to advocate for her position, which is basically: Home birth kills babies. “Even the studies that claim to show that home birth is as safe as hospital birth actually show the opposite,” she'd frequently post in response to a challenge, smearing the researchers of those studies in dedicated blog posts and igniting flame wars in the comments section. On other sites, including Nature and RH Reality Check, her comments have been flagged and removed for being defamatory or basically spam.

The back and forth continues with Goldberg defending her original piece with “Michelle Goldberg Answers a Critic’s Distortions of Her Home-Birth Argument”, naming Tuteur in nine of the 21 paragraphs.

Let’s start with her primary criticism—my use of Dr. Amy Tuteur, a figure anathema to the home-birth community, as a source. Now, I think Block overstates my reliance on Tuteur; there’s a difference between agreeing with her after doing my own research and repeating a “Tuteur talking point,” as Block accuses me of doing. But leave that aside, and let me explain why I’m not convinced by Block’s attempts to impeach Tuteur’s expertise.

So, why am I up at 2am counting paragraphs in tit-for-tat articles? First, because I cannot believe the energy spent on Dr. Amy… so many people arguing for or against her as a source. It’d be amusing if it weren’t such a serious topic. It’s really important for people to know that Dr. Amy isn’t going anywhere and that she will continue to be used as a source protesting Certified Professional Midwives and much of home birth. I know women who begin reading an article or post and if Tuteur is mentioned, abruptly end their reading session. Dr. Amy has been a source in over a dozen articles, from the Los Angeles Times, the New York Times and Time.com; it’s unlikely she’s going anywhere.

Something else you’re unlikely to see again is the debate about using Tuteur as a credible source. I just don’t see Newsweek debating the Times of London about whether she should be believed or not. I have the distinct feeling this back and forth of the last few days will be a rarity and limited to smallish, women-oriented ezines. Large magazines don’t have time for such nit-picking and have editors to determine whether a source is adequate or not before they ever make it to print. Apparently, Tuteur has passed muster more than once.

I wonder if the detractors think if they make enough noise, Dr. Amy won’t be used as a source anymore. I believe the louder they become, the more often she will be quoted, clearly annoying the home birth contingent; the press loves conflict.

As much as Dr. Amy Tuteur makes some people crazy, she has proven she is not a force to ignore. While I have issues with her delivery and am unsure about all she professes as fact, the woman has things to say that need to be heard and she’s going to be heard, whether we like it or not. Instead of trying to make her go away, how about we find people who can argue with/speak out against what she says in the same articles. And for crying in a bucket, debating statistics is not the way to do it! If you haven’t figured it out yet, the stats’ results are in the eye of the beholder, so finding alternative discussions is crucial. One of my favorite topics is why women want an out-of-hospital birth in the first place. And then it needs to move quickly to choosing safe home birth midwives. I believe until we have clear, fantastic midwifery education and a way for them/us to learn the advanced skills necessary for out-of-hospital births, we’re fighting a losing battle. Dr. Amy has the information about CPMs down to a sound bite; we better have an answer about them/us when asked.

I see people trying to shut Amy Tuteur up like trying to put out brushfires when the wildfire is just down the street. She isn’t going away. Deal with it.

NOW what are we going to do?


Spanking & Mental Illness

The other day, a study came out about childhood spanking and its connection to adult mental illness; “Spanking Kids Might Lead to Adult Mental Illness” outlines what the information said.

“Childhood punishments such as spanking, slapping, and hitting – even in the absence of full-scale maltreatment – are associated with an increased risk of mental disorders in adulthood, researchers reported. 

“Adults who reported such punishments in their childhood had a greater risk of mood disorders, anxiety disorders, alcohol and drug abuse dependence, and several personality disorders, according to Tracie Afifi, PhD, of the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, and colleagues.”

I fit this study to a tee.

I wouldn’t say I was abused, but I was smacked, hit and slapped throughout my childhood and early teen years. Dad’s military belt, hairbrushes, wooden spoons and fly swatters were all too familiar on my butt and legs.

So, 40 years later, as I climb my way out of the worst depression of my life, I can’t help but wonder just how much of this bipolar disorder was inherently going to show up in my life and how much came from being hurt and humiliated as a kid.

When I had Tristan (who’s 30 this year), I began parenting the way I learned (I was going to say taught, but it certainly wasn’t a conscious teaching or learning), smacking the poor child on his bottom and hands. Then, when I had Meghann 19 months later, I’d begun learning a new way to parent… a gentler way. Through the books at the La Leche League meetings, I learned I didn’t have to hit to get a child that would “behave.” It took a lot of unlearning and a lot of conscious not hitting, but I did a damn good job of not hurting my kids. Now, I’m sure if you asked them, they’d have great examples of mom’s misbehavior as a Good Mommy… I certainly yelled a lot more than I ever should have. (If I had it to do over, I would have meditated, taught the kids to meditate and I would have chilled out about the small stuff. I freaked out about far too many things and do apologize to the kids for my missteps.)

One of the major ways I realized my need to change was in remembering what it felt like to be hit as a kid. It was humiliating. In my new thinking, I couldn’t come up with a reason to make the children I loved more than anything in the world feel that horrible feeling of humiliation. That was the driving force of my transformation as a parent.

So, when I see studies like these, I am going to be vocal in their information. I’m almost as bad as Intactivists when it comes to hitting children.

Now, I’ve heard the arguments about discipline, not hitting a child in anger (which is absurd to me) and Look-How-Fine-I-Turned-Out, but they ring hollow for me. I beg people who were hit and who hit to tap into that child inside and see… no, feel… what it felt like to be hit. Not try and justify it with, “It was the only way I would listen,” or “That’s the way we do it in our family,” but to feel the feeling a child feels when he or she is hit. Why would you inflict that horrible feeling on a child you supposedly love more than life itself? It makes zero sense.

I’m glad this study came out. I’m glad when pieces of the puzzle are unwrapped every once in awhile so we can talk about this issue. “Discipline” isn’t a topic discussed as often as some others, so I’m glad to see this being aired right now.

If you hit, spank, slap, give the silent treatment or have discovered the various ways to manipulate children’s behavior, I pray you’ll stop and think today about how you 1) want to care for your children in the most loving way possible 2) want your children to be as adults. If there is a propensity for mental illness in your family, perhaps it’s the hitting that shoves the depression over the edge, dooming them for a life of difficulties through mental illness. Also, how do you want to be remembered when your kids tell stories about you? Do you want them telling a therapist how you mistreated them? Telling your grandkids how you shoved them in a cold shower with their clothes on? Is this the legacy you want to impart? I sincerely hope not.

I wasn’t a perfect parent and have written about when I’ve terribly failed… the one time I was hitting Meghann and Zack came and pulled me off of her… I had totally lost control and still remember it to this day. The time I went crazy because Meghann cut her own hair; poor Meghann… I’m sure she’s still traumatized by that incident. Even with my missteps, I’m so thankful I unlearned the horrible behaviors I was taught. My kids got a lot less abuse than they would have had I not stumbled on La Leche League and Bradley classes.

One more note. While I’ve had a ton of therapy, much of it discussing the hurt and humiliation as a child, I have come to a place of peace with my mom and dad, knowing they did the best they could with the information they had at the time. I was hit far less than my mom was and her parents were hit less than their parents, so at least the abuse was lessening over the generations. Perhaps Gabriella won’t ever have to endure a smack; one can only hope! Mental illness is rampant in my family, as rampant as the hitting, so it’s impossible to say if one would have been illuminated without the other. I can say that, so far, my own kids have bypassed the trips to the psychiatrists and therapists, so anecdotally, we’re spot on for staving off the mental illness. And that alone is cause for celebration.

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