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Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

I didn't smoke, didn't drink, took my vitamins, ate as healthy as I could, counted kicks, counted hiccups, fantasized about how beautiful and loved my LO is, counted down the days til my c/s date, got excited for every heartbeat, cried at every level two ultra sound (in a good way), read all the books, and just because i had a c/s I'm supposed to be considered a failure as a mom?  Definitely not.  No one loves their babies more than I do and I refuse to believe that just because my cervix wouldn't dilate after 2 days of labor that I am a failure.  Had c/s's not been around I would have died, and my first born would have died, and my other three never conceived....to me a c/s birth is a wonderful thing. 

So when I look at my scar I am forever reminded of the happiest days of my entire life.

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Stacey

 

My scar shows almost 7yrs of trying and close to giving up to have a baby. It shows the joy the day I found out I was pregnant, the joy I found it was a boy, and the Joy of him coming into this world. My scar shows my preggo belly was so big people could not believe i was carrying one baby and i still was a long way off from having him.  It also says my water broke on its own, I labored with love for 25 hours with only to making it to 3cm. My scars says I tried hard to have in naturally but between having a flat pelvis and a baby with a very big head there was no way he was coming out with out help. It says when he final arrived he showed up with a grumpy look on his face. My scar shows I did a great job carrying for him while he was inside my warm and safe body and now it was time to show him the world. I hate that I still look like I am pregnant even a year later, but I would not trade my scar to redo having my son. I wear the scar with pride just like a great battle wound. It has been almost yr since my son was born and my scar has healed nicely and you can hardly tell it was there. But I know and I have pride in it. 

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

My scar says, "Your birth experience was rape and those responsible got paid a lot of money for doing it!  I'll hurt you forever."  I did not consent to surgery.

The thought of my scar being touched makes me ... defensive.

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

I had to go to the doctor today because it is getting infected on the right side... which you can see in the last two pics.  They want me to take antibiotics for it.  Hopefully that is all that is needed and they don't have to open it back up to see what is wrong with the stitching underneath.  I told them in the days following the surgery that there was something wrong with the right side and that the stretching and pulling I was feeling "just wasn't right" and they just keep telling me " oh no.. that's normal", but apparently it wasn't (and it hurt really bad).  I have been showering daily, lightly putting antibacterial soap over the wound and patting dry with a clean towel and keeping covered. I kept the tape on it after the staples were taken out for 5 days just like instructed.  The infection is from the previous layers inside not from the outside. Also they nurse left a staple in my stomach and I had to go back 2 days after going home to get it removed.  I had a 102 fever the day I can home as well... not sure if it was a result from the surgery or not. I have little to no sensation on the right side of my stomach. It is very similar of a feeling as when you go to the dentist and get a shot of novacain, you can't feel your cheek and when you touch it it feels like rubber or plastic.  I called a few days ago to let the nurse know, and was told that is normal and since that is dead tissue now that it is very likely that it will remain numb and never have feeling there again because of nerve damage.

  

I included an passage from the book "Birthing From Within" which is an accurate description in ways of how I feel.  It's sort of sad because I don't even remember when was the first time I even fed my baby... however I believe it was over 2 hours after his birth.  It makes me cry to think about how everything ended up.... yes he's healthy and happy which is good.  But I have really been having problems with the labor and delivery and the care and all of it.  It was and still is hard.  Regarding the surgery itself, I felt quite isolated in a room full of people... It was like I wasn't even there to them... or human really.  Very surreal.  
Excerpt from "Birthing From Within" by Pam England & Rob Horowitz
 
            A WOMAN DOES NOT GIVE BIRTH IN A VOID

When people asked me why I had a Cesarean, I didn't know how to answer. I now realize how unmanageably complex that question is, and that I'll never know the answer.  Yet at the time, I thought understanding what had happened would help me regain control. My zealous search spanned years before pushing my consciousness to a paradoxical place of understanding while not-knowing.
 
Here's what I've come to believe: In the moment a Cesarean birth (or any event) happens, no one can know all the forces which converged to create that event.
 
   Labor and birth unfold within a
    complex, and infinite web,
    Spun by the mother,
     And by everyone who has ever taught her
     about mothering, birth, sexuality, pain,
     control and surrender.
     All the people at her birth
     helped spin the web with threads from
     their histories, beliefs, experiences, fears....
     and recent birth experiences that they have witnessed,
     which empowered
     or terrified them.
 
  
Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

In dec 09 i went into labour 4 days early with my first baby, Labour progressed well, i maintained mobility but after 6.5 hours of pushing i was transfered from the community hospital, to a larger hospital. I was assesed and they decided to try the ventouse to no avail, forceps was used and during this my sons heart rate dropped to 38 bpm, it was there and then they gave me the C section. My son was born 7lb 11oz, bruised and battered. He was aparently in the deep transverse arrest postion. I was very ill post birth needing blood transfusion then becoming septic with mastitis needing IV antibiotics 8 days later. The consultant told me i would have to have C sections with my next children, unless i grew smaller ones by taking up smoking!!!!!
 
When i look at my scar i can see it laughing at me...taunting me; everytime i see it, i hear it saying "you failed, you failed",
 
When i touch it i feel the pain of not being able to birth my baby properly....that pain will stay with me forever. But it also gives me the drive to believe i can do it naturally next time, it spurs on my need to educate myself and believe in myself. I believe in my body and will be attempting a VBAC or HBAC next time
Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Lori

My scar says I failed. That my body failed to nurture my first baby long enough. It says  they had to take her from me early because my placenta had stopped nourishing her. Says I didn't give birth, that my first daughter's birth was something that happened to me, not something I did. It says that since I didn't do anything but lay on a OR table I have nothing to brag about when my friends tell stories of pushing, and their tolerance for pain. Like they went through a rite of passage I'll never get to experience. It also says I failed my second daughter by not having a VBAC. I was in labor 3 times, and had it stopped by medication twice because my OB wanted me to wait until my scheduled date for my repeat c-section. The 3rd time it didn't work and I was admitted to the hospital. I spent the night in a half-sleep contracting every 5 minutes until finally at 5:30 am my OB showed up to do my cesarean as planned.  It's a daily reminder of my body's failures.

I don't touch my scar. If I did I wouldn't feel it anyway. After my first cesarean I was numb for a year in some places. I'd like to think that it makes me look strong. I wish when I saw or touched it I felt that it shows what I went through to get my babies here. But I don't see it as a mark of my strength, I see as a reminder of my weakness. Maybe  someday I'll be able to join in those conversations other women have about their birth experiences and I feel proud of mine. I think it'll be a long time for me to get to that point though.

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Kristina K.

I know what I want to say but the words are a little stuck. It's multifaceted. It's inspiring, and beautiful. It's sad and grieving. My scar is numb and hurts sometimes. My heart has been open since I was pregnant, through the birth, and after, to feel what I need to feel and do what I need to do. 

When I look at my scar what I see is my triumph. I don't think I was ever more terrified in my life than I was that day, when during a routine NST (I was high risk) my daughter's heart rate plummeted to the 70s for about 90 seconds. I was never more irrational and primitive as I scratched at my own belly, thinking I could claw her out, because I was listening to her literally die and there was nothing I could do about it. I knew as soon as her heart rate rebounded that I was heading for surgery. Over and over her heart rate dipped for minutes at a time sometimes, but each time she came back out. For how long? What the hell are you people waiting for, let's go, let's GO! She's DYING! 
I walked to the OR. I cried hard. I laid on the table thinking I was going to die, and I was absolutely right. I did die. While my heart never stopped beating, I absolutely died, and was reborn right in that cold operating room. I shed something integral behind and stepped forward into a new way of being, so that I could see my daughter live.
My scar tells me that I am a warrior and that I would do absolutely anything to save my children. If they'd had to take my leg, my arm, my head, or my heart, they could have taken it. 
I touch my scar very rarely. I'm sad she's there, and grateful, too. It feels weird, the numbing has reduced quite a bit but it's still emotional. When I envision my scar I often see it as it was after the surgery, smiling and stapled as if someone just my body told a really scary joke. Just writing this I can feel the sting of the staples when they were ready to come out. I'm glad my scar is pretty small and sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice it if I didn't tell them it was there. Sometimes I think it would be nice to pretend it's not there at all. 
Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Heather T.

Writing this story I'm 7 weeks PP. I gave birth by c-section to twin boys at 34 weeks. For about a month we knew we would have to deliver early, it was just a matter of when. I was pregnant with fraternal twins and twin A not only had a vericose umbilical cord, but the cord was also barely attached to the placenta. At 13 weeks there was already a 30% difference in growth. At 31 weeks the growth gap had increaded to 40. His cord would no longer sustain him. We waited 3 more weeks, having ultrasounds twice a week. My 2 perinatologists decided that he wouldn't make it any longer and we had surgery March 10th. The surgery was great. Everything was perfect. My only regret is not asking them before hand to lower the curtain. I didn't get to see my little men for over 12 hours. They were born at 3lbs and 4lbs 9 oz. Only 2 weeks of NICU time. Recover was rough for the first few days, but after a week PP, it got much easier.

It's hard to even see my scar. I have to fight folds and folds of "twin skin". But when I look at it, and my entire torso in general, I just think of what an amazing job my body did at housing not one but two amazing little survivors. I look at my scar and I do not have any negative thoughts. I'm happy for what my body did, and I never cared how they got here. I do some days mourn the loss of the shapeliness of my torso, but these feeling never last long. I look at my boys and I know it was all worth it. The flabby skin, the huge stretchmarks that seem to never end, and the scar are all beautiful reminders of what my body accomplished. I would do it a hundred times over again for them. 

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Nicole

This is my many scars. I have had 5 c-sections. 3 cuts from the navel down, and 2 cuts bikini style. When I look at them it screams failure to me. I feel betrayed by my own body, the very thing I live in has let me down. When I touch it, it feels flawed and imperfect. I am embarassed by my scar, I am embarassed to be called a women or mother. It makes me feel down because my body could not birth a child normally. I feel so incomplete as a mother..... 

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Sarah W.

My scar was from march 21, 2010. It is a constant reminder that if it wasn't there my baby wouldn't be here.....
After 2 pleasant vaginal deliveries, I had the same expectations for my 3rd, and last, baby. After making a trip to L&D, and a trip home, for false labor I vowed to not go back to the hospital until my water
broke. Thankfully my husband had to work the night my contractions started and told me to go to the hospital so he could figure out what was going on work-wise. I had made progress since my false labor so I was admitted to have my baby. My husband and my best friend showed up to be there for the birth.
After a few hours the nurse came in and said the OB would be in to break my water soon, so i got an epidural put in and i sent my birth partners out for a final smoke break. Right after they left the OB came in and broke my water and decided to check me. I had dilated more, but she couldn't find the baby's head.
Reaching in further, she discovered my daughter's arm and her cord above her head and paged an OR room. I burst into tears, scared and alone for the moment.
I was wheeled down to the OR with a nurse holding the baby off her cord and my husband still had not arrived. At the last minute he showed up, was gowned and brought in. They began cutting and couldn't
get my baby out, so she had to be pushed out my incision. I heard her cry and i remember bursting into tears and then drifting off. I don't remember much until the medication in my epidural wore off, but now I
look at her and realize just how thankfully I am for this ugly scar.
Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Reyna

First off, let me just say that I had an amazing pregnancy. I loved every moment that I was pregnant. This was my very first pregnancy and everything was perfect! Nothing like what most of the books I'd read said it would be like. I had no morning sickness, no heartburn, no water retention and if it wasn't for the ever growing belly I would have questioned being pregnant at all!

My husband and I planned for a natural birth, we attended over 12 weeks of Bradley Birthing Method classes in preparation for our son's arrival. I had previously worked in Labor & Delivery at a local hospital for over 4 years. Seeing over 200 births, I knew the benefits of going natural and the serious recovery involved with c-sections. This was something I wanted to avoid at all costs. 

When my due date came and went we decided NOT to be induced. We had done our research about the increased c-section rate with inductions and we didn't consider this an option for us. Most women FEEL ready for there babies to come out and when my due date rolled around, I didn't. He never dropped into my pelvis so I had 0% effacement and was only dilated 2 centimeters. Our doctor agreed with our decision to not be induced but asked we come in to be monitored to make sure our son was still doing ok.

I was 41 weeks and 2 days pregnant when we went in for my first NST (Non-stress test). From the moment I got up that Monday morning, I felt different. Something wasn't right. Riley (our son) was always a mover and a shaker in my belly, but not that morning. Even after I ate a full breakfast (when he usually moved the most) I could hardly feel him.

I will never forget the look on the nurses face when she hooked me up to the monitor. I could hear Riley's heartbeat so I wasn't concerned until it started making a sound that was like a galloping noise. Something I had never heard it do in all our previous prenatal visits. She immediately said she was going to get the doctor to come and look at my strip. She returned with the doctor, who was much more calm then she was. He said, "Let's have a look see shall we?" and I nodded. He simply stated that we should head over to the Labor and Delivery unit for extended monitoring because my strip wasn't reassuring and I was what they refer to as "post-dates" meaning over due.

My husband and I walked over to Labor and Delivery and were set up in a bed almost immediately. I was then placed on the monitor and the nurse said she would be back momentarily to see how I was doing. We could hear Riley's heartbeat so this comforted us. Suddenly, an alarm sounded from the monitor. The nurse came back and said that she needed to give me some oxygen and that the baby's heartrate was dropping. She asked me to roll to my side as she lowered the head of the bed and placed oxygen on me. Within a few seconds, Riley's heartrate went back up. It had dropped to nearly 60 bpm when the normal should be between 125-165 approximately. This happened 3 times in the course of maybe 10 minutes. Not okay.

A wonderful female doctor (not the same one who had been following my pregnancy) came to see us. From the moment I met her, I loved her. Looking into her eyes gave me a sense that everything was going to be okay. She explained to my husband and I that I wasn't in labor yet (no contractions seen on the strip or felt by me) and after checking me, I wasn't anywhere near being ready to go into Labor or a canidate for induction. She told us that labor in general causes a stress on the baby and will cause the heartrate to drop a bit with each contraction. Since I wasn't in labor yet and the baby already was showing signs of distress she thought it best for me to have a c-section. I couldn't believe it! We asked for a moment to ourselves to discuss it. We both wanted what was best for Riley and getting him into the world safely was our number one priority.

We decided to go ahead with the c-section.

The doctor returned to the room and sat next to me on the bed. She grabbed my hand and with tear filled eyes apoligized that I couldn't have the natural birth I had planned and hoped for. She told me that if I wanted to have another child she would double stitch my uterus so that I could attempt a VBAC next time around and she would gladly be my doctor. This warmed my heart. I knew her intentions were nothing but true.

That being said, I was prepped for surgery. They were calling it an "Urgent" c-section, not an Emergency c-section but within minutes it seemed I was on the operating table. I was shaking like a leaf so the nurse held me with a warm blanket while they did the spinal anesthesia. All the while I was still hooked to the heart monitor so I could hear Riley. My husband joined me in the OR and held my hand as we waited. They told me I would feel pressure when they were taking him out and boy was THAT an understatement! It felt like someone was standing on my stomach when it came time for them to pull him out. Having seen c-sections and deliveries in my past I knew what was going on and what WASN'T going on.

I heard them say, "Call the team!" meaning Respiratory team. Then I heard the doctor say, "No, they won't make it in time...there's meconium in here...nucal cord times two...he's not breathing...". My heart sank. I kept telling my husband, "He's not crying! He's not crying! Why isn't he crying?!". The cord was wrapped around his neck twice. The next thing I saw was my son's limp little body being carried to the warmer. Not crying. Not moving. There were at least four nurses and the doctor working on him. I couldn't breath and my husband didn't say a word.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I heard my son cry! He then peed all over the warmer. Hahhaha! He was okay! He didn't swallow or inhale any of the meconium (there first stool). The wonderful nurse brought him to me almost immediately and I got to touch him and kiss his sweet face. They let my husband cut his cord too.

Once I was all stitched up they brought me to recovery where we got to be skin to skin and he latched immediately. I was so worried about the "Golden Hour" following birth and how important it all is for breastfeeding and bonding. The nurses cared about it too which made all the difference in the world. Riley never had to go to NICU and was with me from that moment on.

It didn't happen the way we had planned it but I'm glad we had a c-section. Had we not, Riley may not be with us today. The doctor later told us that the cord was wrapped so tightly (twice) around his neck that the pushing from labor would have caused the situation to end up being an emergent one instead of the urgent one we opted for.

Now, 13 months later when I look at my scar I'm reminded that it was all a reality. That the sweet little boy running around, eating everything, came from my body and thankfully was brought into this world safely. Next time around we will try a VBAC. I put it in the Lord's hands though, he knows what is best and as long as it gets my babies here safely then I'm okay with it.    

Mrs. Reyna Brown             

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Lorie Porter

When I look at my scar I have mixed emotions. At first glance, I think...ugh, what an ugly scar. But then I remember what that scar brought...my beautiful, healthy, baby girl. Without this scar, I may not have my sweet Hope. That's when I feel appreciation for it and wear it like a badge of honor. However, a cesarean was not what I had planned. It was not the way I wanted to bring my daughter into this world. I wanted the perfect, natural birth...my "fantasy" as my husband calls it. I don't feel my c-section was necessary and seeing the scar reminds me of how I got robbed of my "fantasy".
 
When I touch my scar, it is still tender. I still have a tingly sensation there. I even feel a bit numb around it. I don't know when (or if) that feeling will ever go away. As I journey towards a VBAC with my next daughter, touching the scar brings me strength. It is a symbol of where I've been and where I'd like to be. I will have a natural birth. I will have a VBAC. This scar will forever be proof that I did what most medical professions say I cannot. I did what I wanted, what I know is best for my daughter, and achieved my fantasy birth. 
Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Erika

 

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: wolf

my scar says, "yes, i am here, now get over it and move on, you're expecting again.  this time we will do it right."  i don't want to take a picture of it.  i had a doc who after 22 hours of labor, 15 hours of labor in the hospital, decided, "i'd like to have dinner with my family, so let's wrap this up".  He had even declared me 10 cm and had me pushing, only to turn me away from that path.  He gave up, and so did my family support system due to fear and exhaustion, and therefore so did i.  baby and i were just fine.  when he was ripped from me, all i wanted was to hold him.  but they wouldn't let me.  when they put him near me, he stopped screaming.  they wheeled me out.  i looked and felt like death.  i still feel let down by my body, my ability to concentrate and relax, my doctor, my support system in my family and the list goes on.  when my son was just past 2 weeks old, i had to go back into the hospital for 5 days to be on 3 types of IV anti-biotics.  i had raging fevers and an infant.  i sat alone there, mad, scared and confused, everyday as my family had to all go back to work.  they never really figured out why i had extreme fevers and an elevated white blood cell count, hence the 3 types of antibiotics.  it was a living hell.  i hate IV's now.  i am pregnant again and will NOT go down that road.  I will fight tooth and nail not to return to the hospital, or to the operating table.  i will only invite those who know how strong and powerful i am into my birthing room.   i know i could have had a healthy son either way, i just needed the support to remind me that i could do it.  THIS TIME I SHALL.

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Kelly

This is a picture of my caesarian scar, taken today @ 5 weeks 1 day post partum. Also a picture of my son's birth.

Kelly says:

My son was conceived via IVF, our 2nd attempt (the first resulted in miscarriage). I had a relatively normal pregnancy in the early days. No morning sickness and only a few minor issues. By the end however I began to slowly fall to pieces (as my Obstetrician put it). I was scheduled for a caesarian in week 38 due to pre-eclampsia & an oversize, breech baby. I was hospitalised week 33-34 for pre-eclampsia. By week 36 I began feeling very unwell and had a blood test and my levels were all over the place. My blood pressure was sky-high, my platelets had dropped dramatically and my liver and kidneys weren't coping. I was phoned by my obstetrician and told to pack a bag and come in immediately and I would be taken to theatre 8am the next day. My husband was working away and my parents live 2hrs away so it was a mad dash to get everyone here. Further blood tests revealled that it would be too risky for an epidural so I was placed under general anaesthetic (GA). My beautiful son "exited via the sunroof" at 8:08am Thurs 18th March 2010 at exactly 37 weeks gestation 49.5cm & 3.55kg. He wasn't breathing at first and was a lovely shade of purple. His 1min Apgar was 3. However he picked up and has gained a healthy 1.4kg since and is the light of my life. 

When I look at my scar I see my "baby tattoo" and reminds me of what I went though to hold my beautiful little man in my arms and I will treasure it forever. I see it as my "battle scar".
 
When I touch my scar it still burns to the touch. It still hurts when I move certain ways and when I get out of bed and at the end of a long day.
Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous 4

On the morning of December 15th I went into labor on my own, at my house. By the time I got to the hospital, I was 4cm dilated. About half an hour after I was admitted and in my room, they checked me and I was 5cm- so they broke my water. Within 45 minutes after they broke my water, I was fully dilated. All of a sudden, my son's heart rate plummeted to the 40's. They had me lie on one side, then the other, then get on all fours. His heart rate was still low, so before I could even process what was happening they were running me down the hall and into surgery. I had an emergency c-section because my baby's cord was wrapped around his neck three times. I was awake long enough to hear him cry for the first time, and my husband say "He's perfect!"... that's all I remember. I was later told I had a postpartum hemorrhage on the table, and ruined some poor nurse's shoes with my blood. My son had a short stay in the NICU after he was born- he became lethargic and as a result wouldn't nurse, and his blood sugar levels became low and they feared meningitis. Thankfully, he is fine.

When I woke up from surgery and remembered what had happened, I was terrified to look under my gown. I was afraid to see the incision, and afraid that since my c-section was an emergency, that I would be cut vertically. I can't lie, I was relieved to see that it wasn't. I had a low transverse incision.

In the weeks following his birth, I was concerned about the dreaded c-section "shelf"- afraid of how my scar would heal... all that stuff.

It's been four months and my feelings towards my scar have radically changed. I'm damned proud of that scar. I wear it like a badge of honor. It wasn't my birth plan to have a Cesarean birth- but coming home with a baby was my ultimate birth plan, and the c-section allowed me to do this. When I feel my scar, it's still pretty numb, and hard as it is still healing. But what I see and feel when I look at or touch my scar is simply gratitude. I am beyond thankful to live in an age when this operation is a possibility- what if I had been born 100 years ago? Would my son and I have lived? I don't think so.

When I look at my scar, I thank God for blessing me with a beautiful, healthy son.

When I look at my scar, I'm reminded that my little boy is a fighter- and so am I.

 

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Elizabeth

My first c-section was an emergency at 25 weeks.  My baby died.  The day I had my staples removed, I ruptured the incision and had to pack it with gauze everyday for two weeks, and it healed funny.  My ex and I would joke that it was my little pocket.  It was the only physical proof I had that I had a child.  I loved my scar.  I loved the story that it told; I had given birth to a beautiful little girl, who fought for her life as hard as she could, and nothing could take my pride for her away from me.  It made me sad to look at, but not for one second have I ever regretted it.  No one can take that from me.  Even though it's not there anymore, my scar, with it's pocket and all, filled me with pride and said everything that I could not, good and bad both.
But my second c-section...that's a different story.  I was high risk throughout my pregnancy, and my OB flat out said, "no OB in town will do a VBAC".  I didn't argue because the only thing I wanted was a healthy, live baby.  That's all I needed out of the pregnancy and delivery. 
That's all I was holding onto.  So when my water broke, I jumped in the car with my bag and showed up at the hospital.  4 hours after my water broke, and through the beginning of contractions, my son was born in the bright, cold OR and held high for me to see him.  I cried, and wanted nothing more than to hold my son, yet I couldn't.  I had to wait until recovery, after he went to the NICU for observation.  My doctor stitched me up so I wouldn't rupture this incision too.  My pocket was gone forever.  And recovery was so much worse the second time around; one of my lungs collapsed, I was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed, and I'd lost so much blood during the surgery that they nearly had to transfuse blood.  My scar says that I didn't have the support of my doctor, who I had relied on to deliver my son alive.  It says that I did not try hard enough to have the "right" delivery.  It says that it will always be there, and will never be altered again - it is my strength for future VBACs.

 

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Sarah S.

My little boy was breech.  We tried everything to turn him, chiropractic, acupuncture, yoga sequences, positive thinking, visualizing, you name it.  We attempted an external version at 37 weeks which instantly put my baby into distress. The midwife and doctor stopped the procedure and the baby and I were monitored for two hours to make sure that he and I were both okay.  

When the midwife told me "it is time to choose a birthday," my heart sank.  I was devastated that I wasn't going to have my beautiful natural birth I had been preparing for and terrified of the prospect of abdominal surgery.  I cried daily for over a week but slowly came to embrace the certainty of it all.  I was able to find a cat sitter, let my work know when my last day was, and do a deep clean of the house to welcome the little one, etc. 

The day of the cesarean, (3/1/10) I was 39 weeks.  My husband and I spent the morning relaxing, watching the news and just being together.  The nervousness didn't kick in until we got to the hospital and both had to get dressed in our fancy birthing outfits.  Being in the experience, we were so scared considering neither of us have ever had surgery before and didn't know what to expect.  I felt like I had no control, like the birth was happening to me, instead of being a part of it.  However, in retrospect, our little man came into the world with his parents holding hands with intense eye contact and repeating how much they love each other in the most calm way imaginable.  It was just my husband and I.  No one else was relevant.  

The month following Owen's birth proved to be one of the most joyful and sorrowful of my life.  My Dad was diagnosed with ALS the August before and he passed away on March 31, 2010.  I can't tell you how many times since then that I have looked at my baby and was grateful for the manner in which he came into the world.  My Dad was able to see him, hold him, and love him for a whole month.  Had the baby gone to term or even worse, been 2 weeks late, that would have been less time for my Dad and baby to have been together.  

So, what does my scar say to me when I look at it...that my Dad and first born son were able to meet and spend time together.  I have a "tattoo" of March 2010, which I am proud to wear.  I will never forget this month.  

What does my scar say when I touch it...nothing really.  I am more preoccupied with the excess baby weight then the purple scar.....and, that there is always a VBAC :)  
 
Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Sarah

My scar is nearly 7 weeks old, has healed, but still feels so very raw emotionally. 

When I look at my scar it says to me "You didn't plan for me, you didn't want me and still don't, but I am with you now.  You will find a way to peacefully accept me, learn to understand me and maybe one day come to love me for the great battle scar that I am...you earned me as a warrior mama."

When I touch my scar it says to me "I am here, you can't forget it and won't.  I am the way you birthed your baby and it is OK.  One day you will peacefully accept me, learn to understand me and come to love me for that." 

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Marilyn H.

My scar says "I am your story".

I don't have a picture of my scar. I don't look at it. I don't touch it because it still feels like it will tear me to shreds - almost 7 years later. I keep it tucked away, but I never forget it is there. It used to remind me of lies, pain, silence, and of the feeling of being completely alone. Some days, it still does. 
Mostly I know now that it was my journey. Life-changing, and ever-evolving.  
I don't love my scar, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. We've learned to accept each other. 
I love my child, I'm glad he is here. But this scar is mine. It's my demon, my past. It keeps company with other scars, old wounds, fractured dreams,  muffled cries - fault lines of my soul. These are all my stories. They make me the woman I am. 
Oregon
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