The Hospital Tour Lady Said What?!?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 08:00PM It seems my daughter's going to be a font of humor regarding birthing in the hospital.
19w0d now, she recently went on her hospital tour and there, among other things, she learned women stay in their labor & delivery rooms until their epidurals wear off and they could walk again.
No mention of women who don't get epidurals.
She learned how much dads love watching sports on the new flat screen tv's... and if you get a Suite, you get two tv's! The lady mentioned the sports on tv about 18 times. Meghann said (outloud) that if a dad watches sports while his wife was in labor, he should be smacked. Go, Meg.
She learned that babies and moms are treated as "couplets," but that babies are required to go to the tiny Nursery for ten minutes a day to be weighed. I let Meggie know new scales, with wheels, have been invented and they surely have invested in one of those.
The baby, Meghann was told, also has to go to the Nursery after the birth for about an hour so s/he can be bathed. And since the bath makes the baby cold, s/he has to stay until her/his temperature is stabilized.
Ah, but if the baby doesn't leave moms' arms (or another loved one's arms), then s/he won't have to be separated at all! Cling to those babies, ladies.
But, my favorite part was when they walked by the little room next to the small Nursery... a room with closed blinds. The chirpy Tour Lady said something like, "And this is the circumcision room! Your baby goes in and then comes back out, good as new... and you never need to know what they do in there!"
My indoctrinated daughter said, "But if we want to go in there with our babies, we can, right?"
"Oh, no! Moms cry and dads faint... we don't let anyone go in there."
Meg asked if they could at least see the room, but was told they could not even peek in.
My rhetorical question, of course, is: If moms cry and dads faint, why the FUCK are we sending our brand new babies in there?!? HOW can we remotely think waving bye-bye to our 24-hour old human beings, letting them be strapped down onto lucite papoose boards, not given any anesthesia, clamping their penises with metal, crushing their foreskins and then slicing the crushed foreskin off is sooooo much easier for the baby?
IF YOU GET NAUSEATED THINKING ABOUT YOUR BABY'S PENIS BEING CRUSHED AND SLICED APART, THEN PERHAPS YOU NEED TO RECONSIDER DOING IT TO YOUR SON.
I cannot, for the life of me, comprehend how that peppy lady thought what she was saying was great. "We're going to take your baby away from you, the only person he knows in the Universe, imprison him forever (as far as he's concerned) and from out of nowhere, give him the most excruciating pain a person that age could possibly feel on the most sensitive part of the body."
And he comes back good as new? According to who?
Hmmm... these tidbits coming from Meghann's upcoming hospital birth aren't quite so funny after all.
