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Entries in Emotional Scar (6)

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Sarah

My scar is nearly 7 weeks old, has healed, but still feels so very raw emotionally. 

When I look at my scar it says to me "You didn't plan for me, you didn't want me and still don't, but I am with you now.  You will find a way to peacefully accept me, learn to understand me and maybe one day come to love me for the great battle scar that I am...you earned me as a warrior mama."

When I touch my scar it says to me "I am here, you can't forget it and won't.  I am the way you birthed your baby and it is OK.  One day you will peacefully accept me, learn to understand me and come to love me for that." 

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Marilyn H.

My scar says "I am your story".

I don't have a picture of my scar. I don't look at it. I don't touch it because it still feels like it will tear me to shreds - almost 7 years later. I keep it tucked away, but I never forget it is there. It used to remind me of lies, pain, silence, and of the feeling of being completely alone. Some days, it still does. 
Mostly I know now that it was my journey. Life-changing, and ever-evolving.  
I don't love my scar, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. We've learned to accept each other. 
I love my child, I'm glad he is here. But this scar is mine. It's my demon, my past. It keeps company with other scars, old wounds, fractured dreams,  muffled cries - fault lines of my soul. These are all my stories. They make me the woman I am. 
Oregon
Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Colleen

When I look at my scar, it says “remember”.

Remember how you waited your whole life to give birth to a baby…and then didn’t get to.

Remember how you joked with the doctor that you didn’t know what a contraction feels like…and still don’t.

Remember how happy and comfy and unstressed the baby was in your belly, for all that she was head up and had “low” fluid levels.

Remember how much you cried about not being able to have a natural birth.

When I touch my scar, it says “I know you didn’t want me, so I will try to hide.  I will heal smooth and soft, thanks to all of that vitamin E oil you rubbed on me.  You will not be able to feel me except where the skin feels new.  I will not pull on your insides when you move, I will only be a little bit numb, I will not hurt.”

It’s too bad that the hurt is still there, inside.

On The Shape of a Mother, I called my scar “a badge of membership in an exclusive club.”  My words made others feel better about their scars.  But the truth is, every time somebody I know gives birth, I still feel the bitter ache inside that I did not get to experience that.  Their innocent comments about labor and pushing are like knives in my heart.  Every time I think that I have accepted the cesarean, the hurt just comes sneaking back.  I am consumed with the thought of a VBAC, impatient with having to wait two years to find out if I can do it.

I did not realize until I took this picture that my scar is all but invisible.  It is not the scar I have a problem with, it is the surgery that put it there.

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Katie

 

My scar is never visible to me and is almost completly faded. My last cesarean was almost four years ago.  I have a flap of skin from the 1st cesarean that covers it only to see if I look at it in the mirror.  The physical scar doesn't bother me, I can touch it and look at it with no problems.  It's the emotional scar that weighs heavy on my heart. 

The second picture of me and my second son I can't bear to look at without crying.  I have oxygen on because I was throwing up from the spinal. I can hardly see him because I was laying flat and not able to move my arms without them getting heavy and falling on me. I had to have help holding him, it wasn't a natural process.  I can say though at least I have pictures. My first delivery wouldn't allow a camera into the OR so we have no pictures of his first cry, his weight check or anything else in those first moments.

Even though those emotional scars hurt I am so happy to be who I am today because of them.  I would have never been an ICAN Leader had this not happened and never been able to teach so many women about birth and the amazing process it CAN be! Never would have been so happy to have a baby vaginally...naturally, I will never take that for granted. 

My first picture is of my scar and of my pregnant belly too, this baby will be brought up to Mama by Mama and not by surgical staff or a doctor.

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

My scar is far less visible than my natural stretchmarks.  It doesn't say much when I look at it.  It doesn't hide, it doesn't hurt.  It doesn't sadden me, or make me smile. It is there and accepted neutrally.

My scar feels hard and tight to touch, with soft squishy cushions of belly on either side.

My external visible scar means almost nothing to me, it is numb.  My emotional scar, strangely detached from the physical, rages like fire, hurts, saddens, weighs heavily... hides occasionally, but continues to reappear when touched.

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Samantha Venn

My scar is not a source of pain. I don't think it's ugly, it's practically invisible. When I touch it I can barely feel it. I will share my scar's story, and the story of how I've come to love my scar for what it means to me.
 
My scar came after 23 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, and when the exhaustion took over my body a doctor looked into my vagina where we could see my sweet boy's head and said it was too high for forceps. I was taken to the OR. When the doctors found I was numb enough to cut they made an opening in my body to bring my son into the world. After they sewed my insides shut they stapled the outside closed. At this point my scar was untouchable to me, I couldn't bear the thought of seeing it because it was my failure. It oozed with pain and emotional baggage from my son's birth. Not only did I hate my scar, I hated myself.
 
When I was finally brave enough to confront the monstrosity carved into my body I was horrified. My body was mutilated, my baby was cut out of me, I was a mother that never gave birth. I was angry, but my scar was obviously healing.
 
Over the months my scar faded and I began my true healing journey. Talking and writing about the trauma that brought me and my scar together, doing art to understand my scar, to understand what happened. Learning all along that my scar wasn't necessary, that my body did not need to be cut. While the cut that created my scar caused emotional scars, my scar was proof that I would heal inside and out.
 
It's been over 4 years and so much has changed. My scar says so much to me and about me. I no longer hate my scar, when I feel it I touch it gently with only love and acceptance for what my body and soul has survived. My scar has held strong through 2 more pregnancies and held strong while I birthed two more sons vaginally without medication and without interference. I thank the women before me that found the beauty in their scars and shared their joy and wisdom from this revelation. I see my scar for what it is to me, proof I will do anything for my children and that I can survive anything because of my children.