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Entries in Pain (5)

Thursday
May032012

Cesarean Scar: Kate

My scar is a source of physical pain and emotional torment, it is lumpy and the skin is all in the wrong place.  The rest of my tummy is flat and taught, but the scar has a saggy bit of fat which does not go.
 
I hate my scar, every time I see it it reminds me of the day I was stripped of my rights as a human and physically forced into surgery I didn't want and didn't need...  Worse than that, it reminds me every 
day that in a following pregnancy I had placenta percreta, nearly lost my uterus, nearly lost my baby and nearly lost my life, all because I had a previous section for failure to let nature do its work and the placenta stuck to that scar inside me.  Before that I had three miscarriages, at 6, 10 and 17 weeks.

Even my blissful home birth between the sections does not dull the fear and pain.  My body and my mind are scarred, my children deprived of their mother for the hours they were cared for by a system which does not much care, deprived of that human touch, taught that the world is cruel and they can be abandoned when they need the most support. 

This is my scar, which is considered 'healed well' according to my notes ...  The first is lying down, the second standing. At 8 months old it is probably as healed as it will get, but it is a source of constant pain and irritation, never mind the aesthetic issues.  The two scars are evident and there is considerable tethering of the scar to the underlying tissue and a gap in the fat layer.  The scar is also about 3cm above my pubic bone, and actually was much higher than that when the skin was stretched during pregnancy...  The first section was unplanned but not emergency, so it is not as though there was no time for preparation or to be careful about the position. This is apparently a 'good scar' according to the obstetrician who did it, although I'm not sure how much experience he has of scars well after the event.  I am waiting for a second appointment with a reconstructive surgeon to repair the tethering which is causing pain now I've seen the obs. team to rule out any internal damage.

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

My scar says, "Your birth experience was rape and those responsible got paid a lot of money for doing it!  I'll hurt you forever."  I did not consent to surgery.

The thought of my scar being touched makes me ... defensive.

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Jess

I hide her.  Deep beneath an apron of fat I wear to protect her and her trauma I hide what remains of my abdominal yoni.  She was used once and then had her lips sewn tightly shut.  When I peek at her, she shows her left side, healing and coping as best she can.  But her right side is sunk deep, sour and pissed off.  She throws out adhesions to my uterus, my ovary, to any part of me that is woman and pulls them to her, trying to get me to listen.  Whenever my right ovary bursts out an egg, my scar makes her scream in pain, as if saying, “No!  Do not do anything that will get me cut again!” 

When I touch her she winces.  I massage her and I feel her pain burning away, even now 6 years later.  She is tight, holding together, afraid of letting all she has stored spill out.

Only my firstborn was born through my belly.  For him, I went into the hospital unprepared for the battle I never knew awaited me.  For my second birth, I went in armed to the teeth with knowledge, both of an obstetric and soul nature.  I emerged a Birth Warrior, triumphant.  A Victory Birth After Cesarean.  Last August I went into the fray once more and again dug deep and blissfully birthed my first daughter.

And still, my scar simmers and stews.  Still so furious, hidden, and alone.

 

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: L.

 

To be honest, I can't see my scar. It is covered by a flap of skin that I can't get rid of due to having a c-section (unless I can afford plastic surgery, that is) I had to hold the flap back even to take this picture. When I look at this picture, I see something that shouldn't be there. I see the evidence of a failure to wait c-section. I see a doctor who tried to convince me that I could never birth a baby vaginally due to a *small pelvis* even though she was very wrong. I see everything that went wrong during my first birth.

It says, it is numb and hypersensitive all at the same time. On occasion, it still hurts even though it's been over 5yrs. It is bumpy and uneven and thick as my pinkie finger. It is indented in some places and bulges in others. It says, it is ugly. 

Monday
Apr302012

Cesarean Scar: Nastassja H.

 

When I look at my scar it says, "Don't look". It hides under a flap of skin that no diet or exercise will rid me of. I glance past it quickly, it's hidden, why think of it? Why look at it? Why think of how my body will never, ever be the same there? My body has changed in many, many ways in the last few years. I have other scars. Scores of stretch marks, flab that my bony teenage self never dreamed she would bear. I drink it all in easily, before the mirror. I don't spend any inordinate amount of time wondering what others will think when they see it. If they will be disgusted. Stretch marks are normal. Having your appendix out isn't too weird. Heck, that appendectomy scar is kind of cool! Want to see?

But my scar hides. Even in a skimpy swimsuit, it's invisible. Even naked, I have to pull up my belly to see it. And that makes it easier, not having to look at it all the time. I can almost pretend it's just a fold of fat.

It says that I should have done something different. It says that knowledge is not enough to save you. It says that acting on knowledge is hard, so hard, when you are alone, and everyone is telling you it's ok, it's not a big deal, sometimes it happens this way, you tried it all, it's time to let THEM try. Time to hand over the reins of your body to the experts. They know the buttons to push. They can make it work.

And I believed them.

When I touch my scar it yells "DON'T TOUCH!". I cringe and grimace. My muscles tense. Sometimes touches hurt. Sometimes they don't. It has been years, and my subconscious says that it's still not healed. "Don't touch! Be careful! You just don't know what will happen if you press here, or push there. It may hurt!"

The worst part is I've proven to my scar that it's fine. I've carried another healthy, beautiful child, in that scarred uterus. I pushed him into this world with minimal fuss and to-do. Working as intended! Fully functional!

But oh so fragile. Please don't touch. Will my scar ever believe it has healed?