Tuesday, May 1, 2012 at 02:47AM
My first c-section was an emergency at 25 weeks. My baby died. The day I had my staples removed, I ruptured the incision and had to pack it with gauze everyday for two weeks, and it healed funny. My ex and I would joke that it was my little pocket. It was the only physical proof I had that I had a child. I loved my scar. I loved the story that it told; I had given birth to a beautiful little girl, who fought for her life as hard as she could, and nothing could take my pride for her away from me. It made me sad to look at, but not for one second have I ever regretted it. No one can take that from me. Even though it's not there anymore, my scar, with it's pocket and all, filled me with pride and said everything that I could not, good and bad both.
But my second c-section...that's a different story. I was high risk throughout my pregnancy, and my OB flat out said, "no OB in town will do a VBAC". I didn't argue because the only thing I wanted was a healthy, live baby. That's all I needed out of the pregnancy and delivery.
That's all I was holding onto. So when my water broke, I jumped in the car with my bag and showed up at the hospital. 4 hours after my water broke, and through the beginning of contractions, my son was born in the bright, cold OR and held high for me to see him. I cried, and wanted nothing more than to hold my son, yet I couldn't. I had to wait until recovery, after he went to the NICU for observation. My doctor stitched me up so I wouldn't rupture this incision too. My pocket was gone forever. And recovery was so much worse the second time around; one of my lungs collapsed, I was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed, and I'd lost so much blood during the surgery that they nearly had to transfuse blood. My scar says that I didn't have the support of my doctor, who I had relied on to deliver my son alive. It says that I did not try hard enough to have the "right" delivery. It says that it will always be there, and will never be altered again - it is my strength for future VBACs.