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Entries in Scheduled Cesarean (2)

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Anonymous

I didn't smoke, didn't drink, took my vitamins, ate as healthy as I could, counted kicks, counted hiccups, fantasized about how beautiful and loved my LO is, counted down the days til my c/s date, got excited for every heartbeat, cried at every level two ultra sound (in a good way), read all the books, and just because i had a c/s I'm supposed to be considered a failure as a mom?  Definitely not.  No one loves their babies more than I do and I refuse to believe that just because my cervix wouldn't dilate after 2 days of labor that I am a failure.  Had c/s's not been around I would have died, and my first born would have died, and my other three never conceived....to me a c/s birth is a wonderful thing. 

So when I look at my scar I am forever reminded of the happiest days of my entire life.

Tuesday
May012012

Cesarean Scar: Lori

My scar says I failed. That my body failed to nurture my first baby long enough. It says  they had to take her from me early because my placenta had stopped nourishing her. Says I didn't give birth, that my first daughter's birth was something that happened to me, not something I did. It says that since I didn't do anything but lay on a OR table I have nothing to brag about when my friends tell stories of pushing, and their tolerance for pain. Like they went through a rite of passage I'll never get to experience. It also says I failed my second daughter by not having a VBAC. I was in labor 3 times, and had it stopped by medication twice because my OB wanted me to wait until my scheduled date for my repeat c-section. The 3rd time it didn't work and I was admitted to the hospital. I spent the night in a half-sleep contracting every 5 minutes until finally at 5:30 am my OB showed up to do my cesarean as planned.  It's a daily reminder of my body's failures.

I don't touch my scar. If I did I wouldn't feel it anyway. After my first cesarean I was numb for a year in some places. I'd like to think that it makes me look strong. I wish when I saw or touched it I felt that it shows what I went through to get my babies here. But I don't see it as a mark of my strength, I see as a reminder of my weakness. Maybe  someday I'll be able to join in those conversations other women have about their birth experiences and I feel proud of mine. I think it'll be a long time for me to get to that point though.